[De Babble Box]

I am getting over my habit of procrastinating...

2012-01-28T11:55:00.001-05:00

Well if its one good thing that has happen so far this year is that I am not procrastinating as much as last year. I've been writing to do lists, and I've been getting them done. I feel happy every time I check something off the list too. I still need to find a way to get to bed early in the nights though.

On the other side of things if I didn't know any better I still feel the hubby has some master plan to drive me crazy and send me to a mad house and take all my money or something alone that line. Every morning I wake up if its not one thing it's another thing that he does that makes my blood boil.

Every day I tell him something to do, but as he works on that he is off on another. Like if I tell him remember to flush the toilet, he leaves the bathroom lights on, if I tell him remember to flush the toilet and turn the lights off, he leaves the tap running.

I mentioned he is eating cereal every day. Hes been leaving his bowl on the counter top all the time. I finally decided to tell him to please leave it in the sink when he washes his hand so the bowl can soak, cause we all know how hard it is to wash a bowl with dried cereal in it. This morning I woke up pleased to find the bowl in the sink, but the tap was left on slightly, water was dripping slowly, drip, drip, from the faucet. "Deep breathes", I said to myself, on the bright side he did remember to take out the organic waste.

I know I been thinking on how much he hates to do house work, all of our fights are because of house work. Last night I tried to explain to him how I feel, but its kinda impossible to talk to him without him getting all defensive an us having a big fight. It's hard to explain to him why he needs to do dishes more often. It always ends up with me telling him how much I do, and he saying I don't do much. And that I can stop doing things for him. But it's not how I want to live.

It's too complicated to even blog about lol, but last night he agreed to do the dishes everyday, which I hope he will keep up that promise. Because this will definitely give me more time to do other things.

Anyways if your having problem over coming procrastination, here is a to do list you can complete:

Source: iwastesomuchtime.com via Jihan on Pinterest

Whats new?

2012-01-25T09:37:00.003-05:00

Well its been new for quiet a while, the hubby has been having breakfast almost every morning before he goes to work. He's been having cereal and milk. Which makes me feel like crying, cause I've just been so happy that he is getting some calcium. I tried so hard to make him drink milk. And its so nice that he does something for himself.

I find this new independent him really sexy. :) Meanwhile though, I think I've had too much cereal, I haven't been able to bring myself to eat cereal since last year June I think.

Alone at last

2012-01-23T20:04:00.001-05:00

Sometime last night or I should say this morning I had one of my emotional attack. It was like 12:30am and am in the kitchen doing dishes, probably the third set of dishes for the day. I worked Saturday, but I spent all Sunday cleaning, doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen, cooked a bit. Anyways as I'm doing the dishes wearing almost nothing on. I couldn't help but relish in how comfortable I felt. Yes I felt like arguing with the hubby for helping me. I know he worked earlier, but still I worked too and am tired too. But something my friend said to me and some things I have thought about has kinda eased my moodiness and left me in a pondering state.

Well I will list the three things I am thinking long and hard about.

"Not because someone doesn't love you the way you want to be loved, doesn't mean they don't love you with all the have."

"If I were single I would still have to do these things anyways. (meaning housework)"

"Guys don't like house work."

Well this morning I tried remembering how did I get dishes done? how did I get cooking done when the house was full of so many people? And I realized I can't remember half of it. It's not that it was such a bad experience, because I really do love his family. It's just that I hate being uncomfortable. I think it was August that everyone moved out. So the end of this month will be like five months since we have been alone. And I am finally realizing how much we missed out on. If I could turn back the hands of time I would tell him from the beginning "No I don't want to live with anyone. I rather eat salt and rice."

Anyways back to the thoughts am pondering on. So the first thought, I the hubby loves me (why else would he put up with 9 years of arguing with me), but I need girlfriend in my life as well I think. Men are just not intuitive and I like intuitiveness. I miss my best friend who just by giving me one look could tell what kind of a day I've had and knows all the right things to say. I miss calling her when am having a tough day and have her say the right things and make it all better.

And the second thing is most of our fights are over house work. I know he hates house work, but I hate that because am girl he expects me to do most of it. I work hard too, not physically but its tiring, I travel longer than him. And my job is emotionally and mentally draining. After a day of people yelling at you all day some days you feel like crawling into a hole and hide. I hate housework too, I never did much of it growing up. And then when I started to do it I took all of it over. And that's another thing to blog about. Right now am just gong to dwell in my happy thoughts of finally being alone, with just me and him. Tomorrow I will blog about the bad things about being just me and him but today I am just so happy its me and him, that I can put something somewhere and know it will be there until I go for it again.

Hope everyone has had a great January so far though. New years are for new beginnings. And so far so good...

In the subway, on a train... a million stories could be told...

2012-01-22T16:35:00.002-05:00

Everyday while am on the bus, or on the train I witness/observe a bunch of things. Some happy, some sad, some silly, some crazy, annoying, irritating, heart breaking, and the list goes on. Everytime I think to myself I will remember to blog about it. Sigh, this is why my heart longs for a tablet I could quickly type it up in a tablet if I had one. Of course right now I could take out a pen and paper and scribble. But oh the horror that might bring to others, besides I don't want to look crazy or old. People just don't write their thoughts on paper anymore. Typing it up on a laptop/pc/tablet is the way to go now. In fact I have even seen people type on there blackberries long long paragraphs. (I may have done that too lol)

Anyways I wanted to blog about what I think about all these random people that I observe singing out loud or dancing in the bus or train. To be quite honest I kinda envy them a bit. I think it takes a lot of bravery to just not care what everyone else think, like if you can sing or not. Today whilst sitting in the train reading my book. I heard some humming, I looked up just in time to see this Asian guy sitting across from me, who he is facing the windows opposite him (thankfully), well I could see that he has his eyes closed and big Earphones on, and he goes from humming to full out singing lyrics I couldn't make out the words but something like "And one day I won't be alone anymore". So I was like "Wow okaay" to myself. But I couldn't help but thinking "Aww so sad as well, is this guy really lonely?"

God knows I have had my share of lonely days. There are songs that makes me feel like sing out loud at the top of my voice. But I would only do that if am home. Only when am walking home on cold lonely nights do I humm a tune out loud, cuz I find it helps me stay warm.

But are people who sing out loud in public when the are a lone crazy? I think the must be either a bit crazy or high on drugs. What do you think?

A winter wonderland

2012-01-21T01:10:00.000-05:00

As much as I try, I can't recall any memory or moment where I have actually left the desire to see snow when I was in Guyana. But am sure I must have had some. I don't know anyone in Guyana who don't wish to see snow some day.

I am sure that one day long, long ago, I must have held a card very much like this one and grazed my eyes over it. And wish to behold a sight like that for real. I am sure having watched tons of movies and cartoons whilst I was growing up that I must have longed for a chance to build a snow man, or have snow ball fight with friends, I must have envision falling into a soft pile of marshmallow like ground and make snow angels, or even stick my tongue out and try to catch snow flakes as I've done so many times with rain.

What happened, what went wrong along the way? I know my first winter here in Canada was depressing, it's hard to be happy or enjoy anything when my mom is sick. My second winter I was working, and spent the winter trampling through snow anxious to get home, or get to work or into anything that's warm.

This winter I feel like I finally may have found my comfort zone on how to dress and be comfy and warm. But this winter isn't that bad. I remember my second winter when the bus pulls up to the side walk getting out was such a challenge as there was a big wall of ice/snow to climb over to get to the side walk.

Well to be honest its just today that I felt comfortable. The last three weeks I have been really depressed. I know I told the hubby that he is not very adaptable, but how could I be so blind and not see that I am worst. I am so not adaptable. at least he doesn't complain as much as me and he gives in to things. Me I don't give in. I don't compromise, I don't take what I have and be happy. All I know and see is what I want and what am not getting. I want sunshine and I want it now. I want to be outdoor, I want to be warm, and I want to wear sandals not big heavy boots and thick ugly socks. And I spend my days hating on everything.

Yesterday and today I had to walk home after work as the hubby is working nights. Both last night and tonight it was snowing as am walking in. I have walked through blizzards before, as well as snow storms. I have walked through light snow as well and rain in the winter. Mostly stumping my way through to get home with my head down.

Anyways last night as am walking in, I tried not to hate. I know there is beauty in the snow, I have ooohed and aaaahed at snow flakes. But I don't think I have ever really taken the time to stop and appreciate the beauty of it all. (Well I have but just when am seeing it on tv and am warm and cozy in the house.) So last night and tonight I noticed the way the snow sparkles in the street light. I looked up to the street light and watched as the snow slowly falls down to earth so light, flying with the soft wind that's blowing and I looked at the way it sparkles. I looked around the ground, I think to myself I guess this is kinda beautiful. As I approach the street to my house am surprised to see that the snow on the side walk is untouched by feet. I guess its kinda beautiful. A car drives by and I turn to see who it is, just in time to see the way the snow is blowing off the top of it, kinda looking like a tail.

I listen to the sound of the snow crunching beneath my feet, I try to conjure up images in my mind of winter pictures that I have looked at that made me think "Wow winter is beautiful" and remind myself that "Hey you are in a winter wonderland", but as I step and feel a slight hint of some ice as I feel my feet slide a bit I am jolted back to reality and I can't help but pray that this not be ice tomorrow as I have to walk out early tomorrow for work so it may be a bit dark and I may not be seeing well.

Well I guess I can't expect me to suddenly like winter when I have spent 4 years hating on it...

The storm has passed...

2012-01-15T17:28:00.000-05:00

Source: google.co.uk via Tracey on Pinterest

So the storm has passed, and everyone has survived, I am back to my happy joyful self, I think. Friday after work the hubby took me to buy some veggies to cook. Which made me really happy because this means I got to do some cooking on Saturday. I was also going to do some cooking today. But :( my stove is broken again.

I think I had a very restful weekend so far though. I can't wait for Monday this is going to be a great week . As am pain free and in a much better mood.

I am a bit sad knowing that I was sick for five whole days without a soul in the world to make me a cup of tea, :( the hubby is being extremely lazy, or maybe he is really tired himself. I am trying to imagine this from his side. I can't imagine if I had a spouse who gets sick every month if this was vice versa. I would be extremely fed up of them probably.

Wish everyone a wonderful week...

Is this the calm before or after the storm?

2012-01-13T01:45:00.000-05:00

So I realized how sad these one sided fights are. Because am the only one whose upset and the only one who knows how upset I am. Its a combination of a lot of things that has gotten me emotional actually.

It started with the hubby asking me hows my driving class going, because am practicing to go for my G license test. I told him the honest truth, I hate driving, I wish I could give up my license. I rather take the bus than drive. And I know that he was trying to be motivational probably or maybe encouraging, but he went about it the wrong way. His response was that am being stupid, bla bla bla and that I can't expect him to drive me around for the rest of my life.

So at this point of course am upset because I am not a stupid guy, I don't say stupid things and not mean them. I am a girl and I think stuff, I read between the lines. So he says "I can't expect him to drive me around for the rest of my life", and a million thoughts process through my mind. Because first of all, he doesn't really drive me to a lot of places. The times he does take me to places I really thought he would be enjoying being in the car with me no matter were we are going. And so I've made up my mind, I told him to stop picking me up from work. Because maybe I am being unfair. For the last three years he has been picking me up from work every night almost. I am very appreciative of that. Maybe I haven't shown it I don't know. I use to think, its our car, its cheaper than us having two cars, but maybe its wrong of me asking him that. Its an hour of his time everyday, that he could use to do so many things. And I realized or maybe I've known for a while that either way I reach home about the same time whether he picks me up or I take the bus.

Of course I can't tell the hubby this, as he will say that I take everything he says and blows it out of proportion. But then its not this alone, it's also at this very moment I remembered something. When we were visiting in Guyana there was a moment where we were all sitting, and his friends where troubling him, he was upset but he was tolerating them. And there in that moment I felt like crying, because I know if I did that to him he would have already snapped at me. So this as well I couldn't say to him, because he will say that I make everything about me.

So there I realized today, that that's just it. I am tired of having him tell me all these things. I wish to go back to at time when I came home from work and can feel a sense of peace. And I know he probably may not be feeling at peace either with me nagging at him. And there my solution is that I will just be and let be...

Marriage = Team Work or Failure

2012-01-12T14:19:00.001-05:00

As usual its that time of the month and as usual at this time of the month all my spidey senses go hay wire as the spike to full alert. If love makes you blind, I truly feel like at this time of the month that for a brief period my blindness is removed and I see the true colors of love. I can't help but wonder how many divorces occurred when the wife was menstruating? I am sure a lot.

I feel so miserable, I feel like every word that the hubby says is wrong. Honest to God he has just been saying and doing the wrong things all week long. Which can't be possible so must be that something is wrong with me. I hate everyone and everything right now. I feel like am about to explode.

I have discussed this with a friend and she agrees. The hubby is being an ass. Your partner is suppose to make things easy for you. And mine is making things harder.

I stayed home Monday and Tuesday sick. I been sick since Saturday, still I tried my best, I cooked, I did laundry. I did dishes. Because when you care for someone that's what you do. I didn't ask for any help for the last four days. Yesterday I returned to work. The hubby picked me up from the subway after work and we went to pick up a few things from the grocery store. I asked him about making eggs and toast for dinner. To which he was good with.

We got home I asked him to help me. Because the kitchens a mess, there is dishes to be done. And not forgetting I'm in pain. He responds "You need help for making toast and egg?" and am like "No its more than that." A somewhat quarrel ensued, which resulted in him saying he's not hungry and had planned to not eat anything. Which resulted in me being super crazy mad at him.

Because (a) when he is lazy like this regardless of if he's tired or not makes me hate him so much. Because I hate when people are lazy, if we don't use the bread it will just go to waste. And (b) I hate wasting things. So I didn't bother making anything because I am in a lot of pain and now I felt like crying my eyes out.

And he doesn't get why am upset. So yep its time like this that I can see that sometimes a marriage which is suppose to be team work can be a major hold back in your life. Because when your sick your partner is suppose to be making you tea and taking care of them. Instead mine is saying I should be use to this because it happens every month.

And then this makes me wonder. I work hard, I am tired most of the time and I don't have any extra money. So why would I want to have children so I can work more hard and be more tired. And if right now its just two of us and we can't work together and then why should we have children?

I don't feel like am being one sided, because I am the only one who ever complains. And no I don't feel like I do everything because he did put out the garbage last night. But thats just how I feel right now. Alone and miserable and hating on everyone and everything...

I hate that we never discuss whats the meal plan for the week, when its so important to have something to eat. I hate that everything is always left up to me. And I really feel like quiting and running and leaving everyone alone. Finding a place by myself where I know hey its just me and me alone to think and do things. Maybe I will run away... maybe today, maybe tomorrow... I don't care what people say maybe for some people running away is the answer.

Best beef stew ever

2012-01-11T00:22:00.000-05:00

I just got to note it so when I get old and I can't cook anymore, or when I get old and forget me memories I will look back on this post and remember that I once cooked the best beef stew ever. After many attempts and many stews that tasted good. I finally made one that has been officially classified as the best stew beef ever and its been authenticated by the hubby.

The secret was not to pressure the beef, as I normally pressure beef before I cook it. I like my beef really soft when I eat it and also I have a fear of tapeworms. So I normally always pressure beef before I cook it. But taking the hubby's advice I didn't pressure it this time. Instead I let it boil for a long time in its stew. And whalaa it was amazing. I wish I took a pic. But I am still feeling sick. And only cooked today cause I really wanted the hubby to have lunch to take to work.

Anyways got to run. I need to catch some sleep for work tomorrow. Sweet dreams everyone...

Things Dave Say

2012-01-10T11:49:00.001-05:00

This new year has started a bit hard for me. Its hard for me not to procrastinate when I feel like crap. I am sick its that time of the month and I'm in excruciating pain. I can't imagine what labor pain must feel like. I feel like if the inside of my tummy is being ripped out of me. And also am bleeding a lot. So I called in sick yesterday and today. Because its so uncomfortable to go to work when I am like this. I just feel like sitting in the shower all day long.

My friend suggested I buy a hot water bottle to rest on my tummy to help with the pain and discomfort. I decided to txt the hubby.

Me: Luv my friend say you should buy me a hot water bottle.

Dave: Hot water bottle, dont we have that kettle thing to make tea.

Dave: R u home

Three minutes later no reply from me .

Dave: R u home sweetheart

Meanwhile am laughing like crazy. Because I didn't realize he has no idea what a hot water bottle is. And I luv the way he always txt me twice if I don't respond and the way he includes 'sweetheart' in the second txt.

On a side note I found this pic on Pinterest.com. And I feel like fainting.

Source: Uploaded by user via ashtyne on Pinterest

How can someone even joke about this? Or maybe I just have too much pain when its this time of the month to joke about it. But does anyone find the pic above funny?

So far so good...

2012-01-03T18:09:00.001-05:00

Old years day I worked. Eh hmm I volunteer to work. I don't know what I think sometimes. But I got today off for it. And I know today is a busier work day than Saturday was.

Old years Eve if I was in Guyana I would be watching tv, most people would have gone to walk on the road but not me. My dad worries too much about things going wrong. So I would be home watching tv, counting down to 12:01AM. Here in Canada we have done different things. Been to Niagara Falls a few time to see the fire works. This year we didn't talk about doing anything. I was atleast hoping that the hubby was going to stay up with me and count down. 10:30pm he give me a kiss or maybe he didn't give me a kiss I can't remember but he say he going to bed. What? I say. (He been home all day, I sure he sleep most of the day. I know he did the dishes but how tired can that make you?) We argued a bit, he said hes tired and this is just any other day and its no different from any other day.

Now why he gotto go do that? Why he gotto say that? So maybe I felt like crying. Because if you say New Years day ain't important. If you say my birthday ain't important. If you say none of the days of the year is no different. Then what is the point of living? I didn't cry though. I took deep breathes. I guess hes entitled to his own beliefs. And so if he want to be all boring and sleep his life away good luck to him. Maybe he really is tired.

I stayed up, I did laundry, I watched X-Men. I been on facebook. I check my emails. I don't care what he says, its a New Year, its a chance to start all over. Its a chance to work at making your dreams come through. Its a chance to change and be better person. There is endless possibilities.

I saw the digital clock on the pc change from 11:59pm to 12:00am. I throw the laptop aside I run in the bedroom. I kiss him. He kiss me back. 'What don't you want know why am kissing you? Your just giving away kiss like that?' I say. He mumbles something back. 'Its 12:00am its a New Year. I want to be kissing you for the rest of the year.' I think to myself. I don't know if I say it to him or not.

I can't help but wonder though what does he believe in then? I went back to my movie. I went back to doing my laundry. Outside the rest of the world is probably partying, getting drunk, maybe even praying, some people probably sleeping too.

New Year = New Me...

2011-12-31T14:39:00.001-05:00

This last year has been one of the worst year of my life. I have just been so unproductive and even though I haven't been as sad as previous years I think its because I got so much sleep and I was on vacation for quite a bit. I can't believe its been one year since I have been at my current job.

I have learned so many things this year, I have learned about trust and betrayal. I am at lost on what does trust entails anymore. I have learnt that people even your own family will take advantage of you if you let them. That being good and kind and caring gets you nothing. That at the end of the day you definitely should not mix business and family together.
This new year is going to be different though. I promise to be more productive. I have taken an Oath as of tomorrow there will be no more procrastination. Well maybe after I sleep in a bit because I do plan on staying up until 12:01am.

This year I have some hard choices to make. I pray that Allah (God) grant me the strenght and courage to make them when I have to and that I will be making the right choices. At the end of the day I have realized that I like being happy, and I like making people I love happy.

This new year I want to eat healthy (I cant even say eat more healthy lol because I don't eat even close to healthy), I want to get things done that needs to be done. I want to save as much as possible. Because the following year I want to socialize more and travel more.

I want to be able to throw back yard parties in the summer and bbq and have fun. Because that's how life should be FUN!!!

I want to tour Canada, then the U.S., then maybe go back to Guyana and tour there.

And whatever happen along the way I want to be able to still have a smile on my face. I remember in Guyana my nick name was 'Smilie', because I am always smiling. I want that back!!!

So heres to A healthy, wealthy and happy New Year for One and All!!!

Everyday seems to be somewhat adventurous

2011-12-31T10:26:00.001-05:00

Last night I got a chance to experience a real life fire evacuation. I was in the subway on my way home from work. The trains where stopped, 20 minutes later the announced that everyone should evacuate the building due to the smell of smoke. I could smell the smoke and see it. Yet everyone was still sitting. The PA system was on low volume and there was no fire alarm going off or anything. It was hard to hear if they are saying evacuate all trains or if the sound is coming from the opposite train that was throwing smoke. Either way I got out the train and took the escalators. No one was running or anything. I got up to the ground level to seek out a transit officer to find out where I am at, however none was in sight. I got outside and stood for a while wondering what to do? Should I call a taxi? I called the hubby who was waiting for me at another subway, he said he would come for me.

When he came I felt like giving him a big hug and kissing him and tell him thanks so much for coming to rescue me. But he was looking really cross at me. I realized hes yelling at me for having no umbrella. To be honest I was standing outside for like 15 minutes I didn't even realize that it was raining.I realized then though that my winter jacket is almost soaked. I didn't feel wet though just cold. And there the moment is lost cause now he is telling me some nonsense about always walking with an umbrella. I rather walk in the rain than fetch an umbrella.

I don't think you can get sick from just walking in the rain. Oh well as we drove home the street that we normally drive through is blocked because of an accident. We had to drive around. Maybe my good friend Sam is right, everyday for me is like an adventure...

Oh and :( I lost one side of my gloves because I didn't clip them together. I hope it just fell out in the car. Or on my drive way or something. But I got a chance to try my new leather gloves today. But the are not as warm as the one I lost.

Return to owner

2011-12-29T23:44:00.001-05:00

So its amazing when your bored the things you'll find out. I am in the train on my way to a subway stop that the hubby can pick me up from and having nothing to read or do I decided to examine my gloves. They are made by a brand called 'HEAD' and of course they are made in China like pretty much everything else I own. States here that I should hand wash (oops too late they have already met Mr. Washing Machine and Mrs. Dryer). The main surprise is there is a tag in it for Name and Tel. No. I bought it from Costco, I particularly liked them cuz the have a little clip on each side so when you take it off you can clip it together. So if you loose it, you loose both sides and the finder can actually use it.

But now that I have discovered this name tag to help the finder get it back to me. I can't help but wonder suppose I did loose them and someone did call me. There is no way I would be able to make the time to coincide with their time or even to go to a lost and found booth to retrieve it. I would be better off buying a new pair or doing without. So I wonder if anyone would actually write their name and number on it?
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Walking around with no purse or bag feels so weird.

2011-12-29T17:07:00.001-05:00

For the past year I switched from a purse to a school bag / bag pack. I found it to be much better since I don't need to carry a separate lunch bag as well. And am saving quiet a lot from no longer shopping as much for purses as I normally go purse crazy and I tend to wear out my purses really fast.

This morning I got up too late to pack a lunch, I had to pack the food for the fridge, and I know it wouldn't survive being out all day anyways if I did pack one to work. Most times I would carry my empty school bag still, because I use it as a holder for my gloves and scarf if I don't need it.

Today I felt like leaving it behind. I didn't feel like reading. I have readers block. I couldn't walk with my camera bag cause my batteries dead and my memory card is almost full. So all ready I took one last look in that direction and decided I will leave without it. I went up the stairs towards the front door to leave. I saw my bro, I said "Salaam and bye to him." And pulled my hoodie on ready to face the winter winds outside. When I heard someone mumble. "What?" I asked him. More mumbling. I tooked off my hoodie and turned around "What?", "Aren't you forgetting your bag?" he asked.

Aww I can't believe he noticed :) "No am going without it today :)" I said bye again, opened the door and faced the wind.

Hmm so I noticed my back felt a bit colder without the bag there to block some wind. My legs felt cold too from the wind. I need to dress warmer tomorrow. I can't remember this. What do I normally wear to keep my legs warm? I have the same clothes as I did last year. I also noticed that I felt lighter and my balance felt different. Not necessarily better, or worse.

The usual the road is packed with ice and I tried my best to not slip. Trying to walk with confidence and think this is fun. I remember in Guyana after Phagwah a hindu festival our school floors took months for the powder dust to be washed out. And it made the floors slippery. And I used to love skating using just my sneakers. Whatever happen to those days?

Today the hubby came after his work to take me to pick up a duvet coverlet I bought (which am super excited to go home and wash the covers and start using. Afterwards he dropped me back at work and walking towards the building I paused to observe this crazy guy doing the same thing, hes in his sneakers and he is just slidding/skating in his sneakers using the slush ice to gain speed and hes kinda speed walking/skating down the sidewalk, no fear in the world, and no care in the world about who thinks he looks crazy.

So maybe am asking the wrong questions, maybe its not that I don't care any more. Maybe its that I care too much, maybe I care about what the world thinks if I fail too much and that's why I have stopped trying some things...

Big on Memories & Weird little Expressions...

2011-12-28T20:36:00.001-05:00

I'm sitting in the bus on my way to work this morning, trying to remember to send my dad a txt msg since I forgot my phone at home. When I remembered the way he always says "Oh Shines" whenever he realized something too late or forgot something. As I am thinking "Oh Shines I forgot my cellphone" and I got all teary. I tried to remember what other things he does that's unique to him. But I can't think of any.

I wondered then do I do or say anything thats unique to me? When children are growing up the just obsorb everything they see around them and pick up all kinds of crazy phrases and expressions. I am thinking this now because I am remember skyping with my cuz recently and she has an almost 2 year baby (*My neice) and I was drinking my morning tea, and everytime I took a sip and the baby saw, she would pause what she is doing and go "Aaaah" the way I see some old people do when the have there tea. And I can't help but wonder who she picked that up from?

I remember when I was growing up I picked up quiet a few things, and my family never missed it and always made fun of me until I finally stopped doing that. I think once I even picked up an eye twitch from someone at school whose eyes twitched when the talked. Ha ha am I glad I got over that one I can't imagine me with a twitching eye now.

I am thinking about the hubby is there anything that he does thats like unique to him. Actually for him lately I haven't really being paying attention to him. I am two sided with him right now. In light of recent events that has made me wonder what is this love thing? I really don't understand it at all and if it exists is it really there between me and him?

I know there is so many times in the past where I am 100% sure that this is love. But lately I am realizing that its either a) Love is different from what I thought it to be, or b) This is love and it's not what I want or maybe there is a c) love is nothing more than an illusion and no matter what or who your with, everyones human and the will screw up and the will hurt your feelings sooner or later and you just gotto decide if you can forgive and move on.

Recently my dad give my sister a bracelet, she didn't want it. So I took it. But I noticed that parts of it is faded, and its suppose to be gold. So I showed it to her. And her respond was "What don't you know dad always buys some cheap stuff or crappy stuff?" Which made me pause and think "What the hell is she talking about? Dad always buys the best stuff, he always asks me to get the best, never refurbrished, never used, never second hand." Is she living in an alternate universe than mine? Because clearly she has a different idea about dad than I do. And I am thinking as hard as I can and everything I know I have gotten from my dad or asked him to get. From high school I always got "Brand new textbooks" even though there is always cheap used ones selling. My dad would buy me the new edition even if its two time the price than the old edition which is acceptable as well. I always, always got the best stuff.

So since then I have been wondering has my vision been blurred by this idea of love? Have I been living in denial? And with eyes wide open if I had to give the hubby a score what would I give him out of a ten? I couldn't do it right now I have to think of all the pros and cons and what I value most. I would have to think of what score would he give me? I know I haven't been the perfect partner either. And that's just it no one is perfect, but when what makes you happy is so different from the other person you can't help but wonder if your holding them back from there true happiness?

Working, Working, Working...

2011-12-26T13:01:00.000-05:00

It's Boxing Day today, I realized sometime while walking to the bus stop that I have no clue what 'Boxing Day' is about, and I never will question it because its a holiday and I like holidays. Usually it means no work, however lately I have been opting to work the holidays. Living in a world where its a "Dog eats Dog" world. I feel like am beginning to think more and more like that as well. Since being late for 1 minute counts toward getting fired. I am as well learning how to take advantage of getting paid for doing nothing. And mostly on Holidays you do half the work as a regular day. So am opting to work holidays and work less and getting paid extra bucks. Or opting for a lieu day when its super busy.

On my way to the bus stop this morning I passed two old ladies all bundled up against the cold wind behind them their shopping cart trailing behind. I stopped to say "Good Morning", meanwhile thinking to myself is the mall open? When I realized the are asking me that same question b Now am thinking "How should I know haha, hmm do I look like I am just coming from the mall?" But I reply "It should be there is suppose to be Boxing Day sale going on."

And the strutted along there way and I my way. The bus was surprisingly on time. But minus the hussle and bussle of a normal busy day, then everything seems to be going in slow-mo. The trip to work took forever and to top it off my neck hurts and I was sitting on the right side of the bus and couldn't look outside as it hurts when I look right.

Anyways am at work now, feeling sleepy and a tiny bit upset with the hubby for bringing me home late last night.

Anyways I just wanted to wish everyone a wonderful and prosperous New Year. I hope that it will be the year of good changes for everyone...

Shoe Shopping...

2011-12-20T19:09:00.001-05:00

After some begging and some reminding and a month later the hubby finally took me to go buy winter shoes. We went to 'Globo Shoes', its a new shoes store.

I hate shoes shopping because I have wide width feet and I hate shoes and booths. I just like sandals and flip flops. Anyways I find also that I always like the expensive shoes. The one I found was a bit more than the rest. I told the hubby here I want these. I really like them too. But considering I only wore them for like 3 mins for size its really hard to say that I like them. I might not like them three weeks from now after wearing it constantly. Fingers crossed hopefully the are as comfy as the look.

I commented to the hubby "Wow I think this may be my new favorite store" to which he responds looking kinda confused "Really and there is so many shoes but you only bought one?".

I liked a lot of shoes there but I can't wear them :( I don't know how people wear heals in winter. Seriously I remember one winter there was a winter storm, I had winter booths on and its freezing cold, ice on the road and snow is falling really hard, blowing in your face you can barely see anything more than 4 or 5 feet infront of you and me and my co-workers waited for half an hour for a bus, before we decided to man up and walk to the subway and get a bus from in the subway. As all the bus where coming directly out of the subway and where being filled right there at the subway. I was struggling to walk. And my friend in her 1 inch heal that was as fine as my finger was leading us walking really fast in all that snow and ice.

And I see it everyday, people running up and down stairs in high heels. Oh how I envy them...

To do this weekend:

2011-12-09T09:39:00.001-05:00

1. Package up my receivers from Bell and get them ready to go to the post office for return.

2. Back up my music and photos on my laptop.

3. Fix my desktop.

4. Do dishes, or if done already by the hubby cook. (Hmm am really feeling for some dhal and rice with baggie and I already have some fry fish and chicken in the fridge.)

5. Laundry.

6. Tell my bro what an ass he is being ( :( We had a fight) and either make up and take him to go shoe shopping or if not go shoe shopping by myself.

7. Continue making to do list lol...

Random Ramblings...

2011-12-08T20:47:00.002-05:00

So today the hubby was home all day so he offered me a ride to the subway, which after a few questions I accepted. (But it turned out I should have asked more questions, he was upset with me asking him questions but I needed to know how to plan my time he didn't like the questions then it turned out he wanted to drop me off at one subway which was no help to me because I wanted to go to another subway and am sure if we had discussed further we would have known since the night before. Instead we find out when we are on our way to the subway. Which made me feel upset all day because he had to drive back home in traffic. And it could have all been avoided if he had just talked about some more.)

Anyways that frustration stayed with me all day, because its not the first time it has happened. Where he doesn't want to talk and I make assumptions to things that are more comfortable to me. And he makes assumptions to things that are more comfortable for him. And now I remember why I feel so stressed sometimes.

Anyways I was able to go in to apply for my passport, which made me happy all day. I have been meaning to do this all year. I wanted to wait until next year for the new Canadian passport but that might not come out until the end of the year, so bummer am going to be stuck with two non-machine readable passports. But since am going for my G license and my license will expire soon I think I will be opting for the more expensive, but machine readable G license that can be used for travel to the U.S. ^_^

^_^ Well while am smiling I might add that today the hubby is working on fixing our house which has made me highly suspicious as well as happy. I wish I was home to watch him work. I always find him most sexiest when he is working. I tell him but he doesn't believe, he thinks it's a trap to get him to work. But really nothing is as sexy as when he is working or when he pauses and he has that deep in thought expression as he is trying to figure something out.

I am so happy that I have so many things on my 'To Do list' checked off. I really am happier when everything is nice and clean. And when I can blast some music now in the morning and work out without anyone to bother or anyone to bother me.

^_^ ^_^ ^_^ I was happy all day, but then I called my mom who wanted to do something for my birthday and I told her I don't want to do anything and she was sad because I told her I might be doing something with a friend. >_< And the hubby is working on my birthday which doesn't bother me that much because last year he was home all day and he totally ruined my birthday by sleeping all day and not buying me a cake. So this year my expectations are low.

The only consolation that I have is that I know that if am alive and still at the same job next year I have my birthday booked as Vacation Day off.

I thought alot about my normal birthday tradition which is I always buy new undies, new clothes and new shoes on my birthday I always shower and wear new clothes and new undies and new shoes and I make my resolutions then and I promise to be a new and better person.

This year am just feeling a bit down because I feel like no matter how much you try people are always going to be there to drag you down. Also I can't really make resolutions and plans for my new year because I am married and I cant make plans with the hubby because his work schedule is unpredictable where as mine is so predictable I already know all the 15 vacation days I will be having next year. So until I come to terms with making plans and doing things by myself I will be stuck doing nothing by myself.

One step closer...

2011-12-07T20:16:00.001-05:00

Today am feeling a bit all alone in the world. Because I know I have had this talk before with the hubby, but either it's that I wasn't paying attention, or I didn't think he was being serious or knows how serious I was being.

I look at people who are having children everyday and I wonder why do some of them do? They have no house to call there own nothing to offer the child. I can see them living a life of struggle always having to work to support there children. I don't understand why the put themself in a position like that.

I sigh and sigh and sigh. There are lots of things that's so hard for me to comprehend and or understand. It's difficult to talk about them with the hubby as well because he doesn't ask questions, he just lives.

I wish I could just live, I wish I didn't have questions like "Why with all the things God could do he created man? Why do we have to go through this process of good vs bad then go to Heaven? If Heaven will be our eternal destination what will happen then when you go to heaven? Or should I say if you go to heaven? But if in heaven there is no bad just good, then what will happen to 'will' or the power to choose between 'right vs wrong' then? Why couldn't it all be like that from the beginning?"

So the last time I talked to the hubby about it he was really upset. I can understand why. His statement was(And I say statement because I don't think he was answering the question I asked him, or if I really had asked him a question) "If we have kids we have them, if not we are not adopting." I did mention to him sometime after that, that I have tried applied to go see a fertility clinic. Because with my PCOS I may not be able to and I think it's three years now almost that I have not been able to conceive on my own.

I don't really want to talk about it with anyone. There is some cultural stimagtism to women in our culture where if you have problem getting pregnant people talk about you. It doesn't bother me. The only thing that bothers is how he feels. I have seen his parents talk about other couples who don't have children. In his parents book having children is number one thing to do after marriage. So to be honest I really do feel like am robbing him of something because I am sure he probably shares there value, just like I grew up feeling like having children is more of a liability than anything else. I am sure he feels children are a bundle of joy.

So for him and him alone. Because I love him, and it wouldn't be right to not atleast try. I will be seeing a fertility clinic soon.

I just want to state it for the record I do love children, I love babies, I do believe people do have joy out of having children and I am sure having a child in my life will bring me tons of happiness. I just don't understand why everyone always pressures or discuss this with me as if "Children are the only reason for living", it is not. You don't need children in your life for you to be happy.

And whatever is the outcome of this two years from now I will have no regrets. Because whatever will be will be. And nothing will not be if it was not meant to be. God knows best.

Taboo Topics: Sex

2011-12-06T07:56:00.001-05:00

So sex is one of the most hush, hush topic in an Islamic community or even the Guyanese society that I was raised in. I have never understand this though. I don't think that parent realize the problem this creates for their children for when the grow up and become young adults.

I think kids are curious and will always seek out answers if they don't get it from their parents they will seek answers elsewhere. To be honest I can't remember if I ever had the sex talk with my mom. I must have blocked it out of my memory, I find that for me my brain tends to block out memories of things that I really did not want to experience.

I know my parents always told me to close my eyes if we are watching a movie with kiss scenes and or nudity. But I think I learned more about sex through reading. Majority of my growing up I was told sex is a bad thing, I should not let boys hold my hands or come close to me. One might think this does no harm. But I was reading this article that talked about 'women with sex problems'. And it was talking about how most of these women are women who grew up being taught sex is a bad thing.

And I am blogging about sex today, because a close guy friend was asking me for advice as he is having problems in the bedroom. Which was surprising to me, because as a girl you would think that men know everything about sex. And why would he need help. But basically he couldn't understand why his wife never approach him. As in the never have sex unless he approaches her. And he felt as if he is unattractive to her and confused as he is quite arite. So this conversation was going somewhere I did not want to go. As a Muslim girl you do not have sex talk with another guy. (Hell even having a sex talk with your own spouse can be hard).

So I was like hmm what do I say, what do I say? I just thought about it for a minute I mean sex is natural. The great book (Quran) and hadiths has a lot of rules and guidelines about how spouses should treat each other and sex and even about the Prophet Mohamed (peace be upon him) sex life and practices.

I remember a great book that I read that I tried to get my hubby to read called "Like A Garment" which you can view here: http://www.islamhouse.com/p/333586, there is a link on that website to download it via pdf file. And its called "Like a Garment" which is after the verse from the Quran "Your wives are a garment for you, and you are a garment for them." (2:187) Which is a very beautiful verse indeed.

But back to the main topic, I just told him you need to be patient and understanding, you should try reading her hadiths about sex, or talk to her. One of the biggest mistake men do make is believing that the do know everything about sex. Because everyone's different and like different things. You might be doing something that is uncomfortable to her? And remember its something that shes been taught all her life that it's a bad thing. And unless she is extremely brave (like me) nothing will happen unless you do something. Though at the end of the day I would say 5 out of 5 girls that I know likes it when there husband is in charge in bed. (But that's just my opinion).

I realized also after talking to him that men are very sensitive when the are rejected. Which made me wonder have I ever rejected the hubby? (Hmm but I won't go there I won't talk about my sex life. Even though I would like to.)

But I will talk about if I do ever have kids I will teach them that sex is beautiful thing, it's something special you do with someone special, the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. It's one of the way adults express there love for each other. It's an act people perform to bring life into this world. It's a sacred act. And there is no shame in sex. There is no taboo there. And apart from men's pride there is no reason why people should not talk about sex, you don't have to go in bedroom details, you definitely should not I get upset with people who share there personal details with everyone. You should keep your private moments to yourself. But if you don't ask how will you learn you might ask? You can ask open questions, there is books written about these topics you can read. And once again the most important person to talk to is your spouse.

Focus on Health - Belly Dancing

2011-12-04T12:52:00.001-05:00

I have decided that once a week am going to take a day and focus on Health & Fitness and blog about some of the resources that I have found online or random things I have found that helps me keep fit. (haha the fit part is a working progress for me.)

Youtube - is a great source for finding videos on how to do anything including exercise workouts and even dancing. Belly dancing is a great way to stay fit, check out this video series above and many others that you can do at home...

Spending more time with co-workers than family.

2011-11-30T20:47:00.001-05:00

For the last three years I have been asking the hubby to go with me to our work's Christmas Party, but he doesn't want to go and so I don't end up going. I guess I understand his reasons a bit, we don't drink or dance and there will be alot of that at the party. But its not like we don't go to events where there is drinking and dancing its just at this event he won't know anyone there but me.

So this year I have decided to save myself the disappointment I won't ask him to go. Yes mostly everyone goes with their partner and I might be the odd one out, but actually there will be a few single people there, and its really a great way to network and spend sometime with colleagues, in a typical day I spend more waking hours with them than I do with the hubby and my family and its good to have some time to just sit and chat as friends.

This year we are having the party at a really popular place and everyone is hyped about it so am a bit hyped too. We will also have a professional photographer there to take pics with a photo booth so I am excited because that means mostly everyone will be well dressed and I want to practice my picture taking skills as well.

Downside is I debated too much on going or not and there is a slight chance that we might not find someone to take my working shift, but atleast am use to the disappointment of not going.

But FINGERS CROSSED....

Forgiveness & Family

2011-11-29T16:03:00.002-05:00

So I just read this really great article from BeWellBuzz on forgiveness which talks about forgiveness you can click here to read it.

The quote that moved me was "FORGIVENESS is not something we do for OTHER PEOPLE. We do it for OURSELVES - TO GET WELL and MOVE ON."

There is so many peeps in my family that I am not happy with right now, or that I am not on good terms with, That I had close relationships to, but now have grown distant. I could write a book and call it "The Big Book of Family Disappointments" but it wouldn't be enough I would have to write a volume 2.

I will give an example not that it necessarily applies to forgiveness, but just the hurt that I feel. So when I use to live in Guyana, there was one family in particular who were less fortunate than me, not to be boastful or anything, but I know they couldn't afford half the things I had. And I was particularly charitable to them because they are family and as usual people tend to put family first.

When we left to come to Canada, not sure when I will see them again I was even more charitable than I needed to be. Few years later the family married into a rich family and became a completely different person. Funny how money changes people.

Five years later me all happy to go Guyana to see everyone family and friends. But being there carless and no clue how to get to go see family on my own. Called family up and told them I am there if the can come see me. Family response was "Yeah I don't know I have to go the gym, I will see."

So I was rendered a bit silent in shock, because I mean I haven't seen you in five years and you can't skip a days Gym to come and see me? When my mom always take us on a long bus drive, to go there and see them. When we don't ask them for nothing in return. When our only purpose for keeping in touch with you is because you are family and families are suppose to care for each other. Then I don't know for a relationship like this I feel like I have every right to end it if I want to, family or not. Because I honestly and truly can't deal with people who live in there own self centered world where everything is about them.

Where the don't take a minute out of there day to realize hey there is more important things to life than how much money you have in your bank account.

So maybe in this case I don't know if forgiveness applies or not. But I just can't let some things go I am sorry.

Sweetest thing...

2011-11-29T08:41:00.001-05:00

Last night I was telling the hubby all the places I want to go and don't want to go. Then I asked him where does he want to go? And he replied "Anywhere with you love." I think that's the sweetest thing he has said in the longest while. Which made me wonder do I tell him things that make him feel nice? I hope so. I definitely try, and every time I think he looks handsome I try to tell him. I try to tell him I appreciate it when he does nice things and help me around the house, because most times I feel like am just yelling at him. Because he does so many things that drives me crazy, he moves things and put them where I can't find them. He uses things and leave them opened or outside the fridge all the time. He leaves lights on, doors open, omg and the frustrating list go on to the point where I am find more peace lately just double checking every morning that the door is locked before I leave, that lights are off etc.

Anyways I saw this pic to the left online and thought it was so funny. I know the hubby says that I do this but I don't believe it. I wonder though do I do anything that annoys him?

Quotes on Gratitude

2011-11-27T22:12:00.001-05:00

“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.”
— Albert Schweitzer

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“No duty is more urgent than that of returning thanks”.
— Unknown

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“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”
— Marcel Proust

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“You simply will not be the same person two months from now after consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life. And you will have set in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you.”
— Sarah Ban Breathnach

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“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.”
— Thornton Wilder

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“Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy, and change ordinary opportunities into blessings.”
— William Arthur Ward

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“Take full account of the excellencies which you possess, and in gratitude remember how you would hanker after them, if you had them not.”
— Marcus Aurelius

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“Whatever our individual troubles and challenges may be, it’s important to pause every now and then to appreciate all that we have, on every level. We need to literally “count our blessings,” give thanks for them, allow ourselves to enjoy them, and relish the experience of prosperity we already have.”
— Shakti Gawain

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“Gratefulness is the key to a happy life that we hold in our hands, because if we are not grateful, then no matter how much we have we will not be happy — because we will always want to have something else or something more.”
— Brother David Steindl-Rast

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“If you concentrate on finding whatever is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul.” — Rabbi Harold Kushner

This great list of quotes on gratitude is brought to you by BEWELLBUZZ enewsletter, visit http://www.bewellbuzz.com/ to sign up today for great inspiration and tips to get your health back on track.

Internet down, tv down, what to do?

2011-11-25T16:58:00.001-05:00

So last night I came home to my internet services being down, as well as my tv services being down. With the new Fibe tv that's what happens, once the internet is down the tv is down. Thus I had nothing to do. I realized then though that when the tv and internet is down am the kinda person that goes into lets do something together mode. Like lets play cards, lets play a board game, lets play dominoes, lets talk, lets do anything together.

The hubby on the other hand is a lets find something else to do on the computer person, and not necessarily together, so he went on to play games on the pc, me having nothing else to do went to bed. Because I have been reading all day at work. So reading a book was out.

But I did ponder for quiet a while on it, I miss playing card games, and dominoes, and board games. I use to do that so much in Guyana with my dad or bro, or students. So I have played games with the hubby before, but I don't understand why he can't just play for fun. Why does he get bored at playing games? I have actually grown tired of asking him that question actually.

Maybe I'll consider buying myself back a Nintendo Ds and a pokemon game to keep me occupied for emergencies like this. Afterall he was the one who made me give away the one that I had to someone who broke it like within six months. Okay so now that I think of that I am upset because hes also the kind of person who believes in giving kids whatever the ask for. And me on the other hand is the kinda person that believes in giving kids things when the can take care of it and can actually read and write. And watching someone break the $100.00 game you just bought is really upsetting to me. Grrrrr.

Hmm, PAY BACK!!!

2011-11-24T14:51:00.001-05:00

The hubby said I snored the other night. He wanted me to show him how to record audio on his Iphone. Hmm, he better record it for me to believe that. Because I don't snore. But am not showing him how to record, because I always play the recording of his snoring to everyone I know and laugh.

But if I were snoring then I guess is PAY BACK time, for all the nites I lay away feeling like someones drilling a hole in my head, for all the nights I felt like banging my head against the wall. Maybe now we will finally go out and buy that snore guard?

But hopefully he is just pulling my leg, because I always thought its so unlady like for a woman to snore... Oh well as long as I am getting some sleep finally.

The Big Wait

2011-11-23T13:30:00.000-05:00

The Big Wait: eqhd - it's smart in here. Bell Ch 1629 | Rogers Ch 540 | Telus Ch 646. Visit www.eqhd.ca for more cable operators.

So having watched this show on eqHD, I have a new found respect for my Family Doctor. When I came to Canada in 2006, everyone I know is always saying how hard it is to find a family doctor. I searched online, found a website that you can find doctors who are accepting new patients. Called made an appointment and whola I had a family doctor. Who is pretty awesome. So it's sad to see there are people who don't have one, or who can't find one.

And then to see how it actually is for people to become a family doctor, just makes me appreciate it all more.

Things I love & don't love about Marriage and Dave

2011-11-23T12:20:00.001-05:00

Source: bandlgtreese.blogspot.com via Robyn on Pinterest

I love that when I walk into the room and hes sitting on the sofa and he stretches out his arm, for me to come and cuddle besides him. Or when hes in bed before me and I come he always has his hands stretched out over my pill so I have no choice but to snuggle with him.

I don't like it when every time he uses something he leaves it open or unlocked, or half locked, or some other combination of how it should not be. Grrr...

things i dont feel like doing

2011-11-23T12:02:00.001-05:00

Source: tumblr.com via Shelley on Pinterest

Weird Feelings...

2011-11-23T11:18:00.001-05:00

My thoughts and feelings towards having children have always been different than most people. I always feel like having children is a selfish act, people have children to fill a void in there life, to have something to love for and care for.

I guess maybe am a negativitist, but how do people have children not knowing what tomorrow is going to bring? I guess I am so scared of bearing that responsibility. Maybe deep down I am the selfish one, because the thought of putting someone else needs before mine is so scary. There are so many orphans in the world who needs a family to love for and care for them. So there as well I feel like its so cruel that people feel like the need to make a child of there own. I think every child in the world is innocent and everyone is responsible for them. I am sure if I were to adopt I would not love that child any more than I would love one that I gave birth to.

My feelings I guess have a lot to do with my up bringing, and my dad always calling us a burden, and liability, kinda made me only see the negative side of having children, such as holding you back from doing things you want to do or going places you want to go etc.

But this weekend over our mini-vacation. Over being frustrated with my mom and sister. Over everything somewhere a thought crept in about "Gosh I wish when I have my own kids the have my patience and understanding." Somewhere the thought crept in about "Hmm when we have our own children, we would really be able to have a nice family vacation." Because like really why do I even try to have a nice time with my mom and sister, when all the do is bicker at each other?

Random Funnies

2011-11-23T08:06:00.001-05:00

Mom: "Can you take this in to the pharmacy for me?" (Its her medication slip)
Me: "Sure I will fax it at work over."
That night, handing it back to my mom.
Mom: "You didn't fax it?"
Me: "Yes I did."
Mom: "How could you fax it if your giving it back to me?"
Me: "Its not teleportation, its a copy thats faxed."
Mom: "Oh right."
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Me: I like to dance to disco music.
Dave: The don't play disco music in disco's anymore.
Me: The don't even call disco's disco anymore.
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Me: If you don't do well on your tests, am going to make your life miserable.
Bro: Wait, I thought my life is already miserable.
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Me: I am going to wake up and go to the gym tomorrow.
Me in the future: Hahahahahahaaaa, no your not.

Vacation @ Niagara Falls

2011-11-21T16:41:00.000-05:00

So I convinced the hubby to take me for a mini-vacation at Niagara Falls. I took my mom, and sister because my mom wanted to go and I feel sorry for her that she is home all time time and doesn't go anywhere without me. And so we all got in the car and went. I had bought some deals online that got me the rooms really cheap. And we got tickets to see the McGrewin Magic Show.

We left early for Friday night to see the fireworks, which where amazing. Its been a long time since we went to see the fireworks, so I don't know if the really where different now, but it was a great show. Then Saturday we were suppose to go see the Santa Claus Parade. But a combination of all of us waking up late and having a long breakfast and having to figure out how to get there by cab we change our mind about going.

Around 11:30am on Saturday me, my sister and mom set off to explore. I thought the hubby really deserved a break and some rest. So I left him to sleep some more. Sometimes I find it hard to understand him and his funny ways and sometimes I find it so annoying. He has difficulties sleeping in a strange bed, with strange pillow etc. He has difficulties using strange toilets. And the list goes on.
I know there is a lot of people who has this problem. But for me its like, there is a bed I want to sleep. I will sleep. I sometimes hate it when people are not adjustable. Is it just a mind thing or what? Well it didn't really bother me that much, except that I felt sorry that he is not getting any sleep. For me I slept so good. I love king beds. Sleeping for almost 15 yrs on my own bed I got pretty use to extending my arms and leg when I sleep. So sleeping with a hubby as nice as it is can also be a bit uncomfortable.

Anyways Saturday on our tour of Niagara it was very tiring pushing my mom around. She just wanted to shop in Malls she, wasn't so interested in seeing the falls up close. We spend from 11:30 to 5:00pm almost doing the things she wants to do. Which after a point got me a bit sad. Because sometimes I don't think that she realizes that my vacation time is also the only time I have off. And my weekends are the only days I get to spend with my hubby.

Saturday night was the magic show, which even though was good, was not entirely amazing. After that me and the hubby got to go for a walk down to the falls. It was good to just enjoy each others company without dicussing my work or bills or other life stuff.

Sunday was a good ride home and Sunday night I slept from like 8pm all the way up to 8am this morning. So am feeling a combination of relaxed from all that sleep, tired from over sleeping and pain from all that walking on Saturday. I hope I get time soon to edit and post the pics that I took. I got my "Photoshop for Dummies" book from the library today, already read quite a few tips and tricks I had no clue of.

Can't wait to get home tonight either, because the hubby promised to cook if he gets home early :) Which reminds me by the way that Thursday I made some awesome mutton curry, that may have had a bit too much salt, because the hubby told me twice to add more salt and now he is denying it. But it looked the way I wanted it to look and tasted the way I like it minus the extra salt.

Daylight Saving Time Explained

2011-11-20T18:46:00.000-05:00

Complicated Fridge...

2011-11-18T15:39:00.001-05:00

Four years ago we bought a fridge, we went through hell to bring the fridge in the house, as its huge, so we had to take all the doors off from the fridge plus all the doors in the house had to be removed for the fridge to be brought into the basement.

Anyways the fridge sat there for four years, 4 months ago the filter light came on. We found out the fridge has a filter that needs to be changed, 3 months ago we bought a new filter. 3 months later we finally got a chance to go and change the filter.

Neither me or the hubby knows how to change the filter or where in the fridge it is. The hubby searches finds it, and guess what, there was no filter in the filter section to begin with. Four years we have been using it without a filter. I have no idea what the filter is for.

The hubby inserts the one we bought and asks me "The light the filter warning light is still on?"

Me: (Automatically responds) "I don't know close the door and open it back?"

(I don't even know what kinda thought is that)

I went over and stood staring at the fridge with him. Turns out there is a filter reset buttom. "Wonder if we could have just done that from the beginning?", he wonders out loud.

Hmm I wonder the same thing, cuz that filter was $60.00 almost. And the fridge worked fine all this time with out one. Oh well...

The things no one wants to talk about...(DEATH)

2011-11-15T22:53:00.001-05:00

So I often feel like the things I want to talk about no one wants to talk about it. Like death, childbirth, pain, etc., people avoid the topics I raise like if it's something contagious.

And sometimes it's the most important people that I am with that don't want to talk about it. Like my husband and I have never been able to discuss death together. He doesn't want to talk about what if one of us should die before the other what should be the process? He always gets agitated when I start talking about it and I always get upset and stop talking about it. But I think its something every family should discuss. I guess when you have kids it becomes more important to discuss in a family. But I still feel all couples should discuss it.

I always say to him, if I ever die before you, make sure you bury me asap, either same day or the next day. I don't want to be kept for family who wants to come and see me before am buried. He doesn't want to discuss it so I told him, as your wife you shall be buried the same day or the next as well if God forbid, but you should die before me. He briefly mentioned that he would want to be buried back in Guyana. I think I said something about in your dreams, but if we are in Guyana at the time of his death for sure it will be in Guyana. His parents are in Guyana and God forbid but if he should die before me, I know from observation that at a time of death families are always upset with each other over how things are being handled or the way things are being carrie out. I wanted to let him know that I don't care who is upset with me and I don't care what you want, your going to be buried whether you like it or not asap. I wanted to him to say “Your right, and I would be happy and at peace with whatever decision you make at that time.” And I wanted him to know that even in death, it will probably be the same I will not be happy or at peace unless he does things specifically as I wanted it so he should pay attention now to what I am saying about what I want. NO open caskets, I would like the last good memory everyone has of me to remain with them, maybe my smile, not my body laying still without a smile. I don't want to be remembered like that.

I believe as the good book (Quran, Hadiths) says that your body feels pain until it’s returned to the earth. And I want to be buried when I die asap. Neither of us has any sort of insurance on that kinda thing, or knows about any burial procedure or anything. So basically in that matter I do feel so unprepared and vulnerable. Because I do think about these things and I know at a time of death, people are confused and I don’t want to be dependent on family or friend and get misguided, or make rash or hurried decisions that I might later regret.

Most people live their life as if the will live forever, never thinking about these things or planning for it. I constantly think about if this is my last day, if I die today then what? I don't know why I think so much, nor can I control it. People say "Oh your so young to be thinking of these things." I personally think back on my memories from my earliest childhood to now. I don't feel old but I don't feel that young either. I feel grateful and thankful for all the beautiful and wonderful things I have experienced in this world. And I try to not let my questions ruin the moment most times. But by nature I am always crowded with questions in my mind. Like why can't other people get this chance? Why me? Why, what, how, where, when? So many questions, not many answers.

Anyways I guess the point I wanted to say is we should all prepare for death. Because yes its easy to think "If am dead, let whoever is alive worry about it." But these are the people you love that your leaving behind in a vulnerable state, that could have been avoided from just taking a moment out of your tv time maybe to research and discuss the way you want it to be handled.

Today am feeling a bit sad...

2011-11-12T12:19:00.001-05:00

Am feeling a bit under the weather, and I just want to throw back like this bear in this pic and do nothing all day, mostly because I didn't get proper sleep last night. The hubby snored a lot, and I kept waking him up and he kept saying "Hmmm am sorry" and grabbing me closer and snoring right into my ear. And I kept inching away from him until I was at the end of the bed. But I knew he had to work today so I didn't want to bother him too much.

So I woke up feeling miserable. And I have to work today as well. Am actually at work right now. I am happy because he dropped me at work today since he is working across the building, but it doesn't make working any more fun today.

Am thinking about what am I going to cook tomorrow. I feel like eating some exquisite but at the same time am feeling lazy. And I have been to all the good restaurants too many times. Sigh...

Am trying to stay positive and think of the fact that I have next Thursday and Friday off, and am not working Saturday. And I have convinced the hubby to take the weekend off and lets go Niagara.

Maybe its just the french vanilla I had this morning or maybe its just because I hate working on Saturdays that's got me down. :( but oh man I have feeling of dread inside me...

11:11am @ 11.11.11

2011-11-11T19:38:00.001-05:00

I was in the subway, reading the news paper when I read the article about 11:11 @ 11.11.11. And that's how I remembered it. I was just in time as I watched the time it was 11:10am, I thought kool, am doing what I have been doing for the past three years at this time, I am in the subway on my way to work. I quickly txted my husband, so maybe he will make a wish.

I thought about if I should make a wish or not. And I decided naa, I'll pass, because I have seen too many movies about making wishes, the always have some catch. Yes there is many things that hasn't gone my way. Yes there is many things I want to do and can't do. But it will work out eventually. I trust in God.

I trust that everything that has happened until now has happened for a reason. And am right where am suppose to be. If I could do it all back maybe I will do some things differently. But no use dwelling on the past.

Source: weheartit.com via Jihan on Pinterest

Bucket List - Learn to ride a horse

2011-11-11T19:01:00.001-05:00

I have always wanted to learn how to ride a horse, since I was like five or six and I read 'Black Beauty' and saw the movie I have been in love with horses. I can still remember the first time I saw a real horse I was like eight years old and I can still remember sitting on the horse and my uncle walking it and the way I could feel its body move beneath me, there was no saddle on the horse. And I remember I felt like crying because I wouldn't like if someone sat on me. And I cried because I didn't think it was fair to be sitting on the horse. And everyone was upset with me because I was so excited at first to see the horse.

My husband is not interested in horses. Though I think horses are quite intelligent and beautiful creatures. He thinks more of what does horse meat taste like. Because it is common in some places to eat horse meat. In the future am definitely going to invest in some horse riding lessons. And hopefully in the future after that I can go horse back riding in trails across Canada.

Baby Steps

2011-11-10T18:59:00.001-05:00

So Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, I have watched the organic waste bin full to the brim sitting there in the kitchen. I felt like screaming, I said nothing. I can't explain it, my husband probably won't get it. He would be like "So what if you have to remind me to take it out? Whats so hard about that?"

But the problem is am just tired, and I have my own things to remember to do. It's been two week since my home phone has been dead. I have been trying pretty much everyday making some effort in calling them, or doing something to help with getting it back working. I take care of pretty much all calling and dealing with any customer service for technical support, for billing errors, inquiries etc.

My mom has been remembering me constantly too. Because she needs it. Today she called me at work:

"Jibi did you call the home phone people?"

Me: "No, I called them yesterday and the were suppose to look into the problem and call me back."

Mom: "Whats the point in having a home phone if you can't use it?"

So that tipped the bucket of problems I have been carrying around with me. I don't even know what I said to her. Something about "Am at work and what can I do from here?"

Because really its just one me and so much to do, I felt like crying. I took a break and discovered work has a "Health Room" Its a dark room with a bed, pillow, coverlet. Not the most comfortable one. Its a single bed. And the door has no lock. But there is a vacant occupied sign there. And one would hope no one came in if it says occupied. I didn't really cry my eyes out like I wanted to. Because I get major headaches now when I cry, so its not worth the tears.

On the bright side yesterday the hubby did take out the garbage, he actually cooked dinner too. Which was so delicious and am so grateful, because most times I feel like am in a one man ship, and am the captain and crew, and that ship is sinking, no not sinking its in a whirlpool. Anyways he has also been taking his plates into the kitchen when he finishes eating. And helping a lot more than usual. And that leaves me with more time to relax and do things I want to do. I really want to learn to use PhotoShop. I love photography and photo editing... So we will see how that goes. Anyways here is something my father never got:

Source: polyvore.com via Kimberly on Pinterest

Obstacles

2011-11-10T12:48:00.001-05:00

~ Author Unknown~
In ancient times, a king had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the big stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables.

On approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. As the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been.

The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many others never understand.

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve one's condition.

Life Struggles

2011-11-10T12:46:00.001-05:00

~ Author Unknown~
A man found a cocoon of an emperor moth. He took it home so that he could watch the moth come out of the cocoon. On the day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the moth for several hours as the moth struggled to force the body through that little hole.

The moth seemed to be stuck and appeared to have stopped making progress. It seemed as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther. The man, in his kindness, decided to help the moth; so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The moth then emerged easily. But its body was swollen and small, its wings wrinkled and shriveled. The man continued to watch the moth because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to and able to support the body, which would contract in time.

Neither happened! In fact, the little moth spent the rest of its life crawling around with a small, swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly. The man in his kindness and haste did not understand that the struggle required for the moth to get through the tiny opening was necessary to force fluid from the body of the moth into its wings so that it would be ready for flight upon achieving its freedom from the cocoon. Freedom and flight would only come after the struggle. By depriving the moth of a struggle, he deprived the moth of health.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Give every opportunity a chance, leave no room for regrets, and don't forget the power in the struggle.
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Old boyfriends and Old Girlfriends...

2011-11-09T17:33:00.001-05:00

So sometimes I get all melodramatic about my teenage life. In and out of high school I have never had a boyfriend. Somewhere in the middle of high school I fell really hard in love with a Guy, who didn't feel the same way about me. So I basically spent most of my high school days wondering whats wrong with me?

Now though I look back and realized that there were a lot of great guys that where interested in me and still are or would be. So there is nothing wrong with me. Heart breakes are part of life. I don't know how serious anyone who has ever liked me was. But I know I was like seriously in love with someone once. And the seriosly did not love me back. And now I am seriously over it. But once you love someone you always love them, at least thats what I believe. And though the are married and am married. I still care about them. And wish them success and a good life always.

So one can see why when the hubby talks about an Ex., I get upset. Because I don't want him thinking about someone else. His Ex. sister died. And he wanted to call her, and will be calling her.

He asked me "What should I say to her? I don't know what to say when people someone died for them."

Me: "You are asking the wrong person, since I don't want you to be calling."

Dave: "You know I have to. (His dad called him and tell him about it and the are neighbours or family friends or something.)"

Me: "No I don't know that you have to. You wouldn't be want me talking to my ex if I had one."

Dave: "Why do you make everything about you and us?"

Me: (Thinking to myself well excuse you who is it about then? Because as far as am concerned it's all about me.) "Whatever, I told you don't ask me."

Dave: "I don't know what to say though."

Me: "Say your sorry for there loss, only good people die young, if she was sick, then say well at least her suffering has ended and she is in a better place."

Because at the end of the day I know lots of guys whose wife are so funny to me. Where the have to drive with there heads straight on the road, and not talk to any girls at all. And I really do have friends who are guys, who are aweseome friends that I really do like so much. But the got married and there wifes are all like "Nope no female friends for you." And I have lost many a great friend that way. I really don't want to be that girl.

But I still feel like why does he have to talk to her? If someone means nothing to you then why do you have to tell them your sorry or show concern? So yup am a bit upset, and for many reasons really, because my first kiss is not his first kiss and what not. Whatever happen to what the Good Books says that you should keep yourself pure and what not for your spouse? It's sad that its being enforced more on girls than on boys.

Though to be honest if I have a son I don't know how strict I would be with him, because I know I would be more attracted to a bad boy, than a quiet boy. So I guess there really is no pleasing women. Because both options are wrong lol...

Cooking Trials & Errors

2011-11-08T09:03:00.000-05:00

I have certain dishes that are my specialty like pot roast chicken, stew chicken and stew beef. But some things if I don't cook it often I completely forget how to do it. Over the last two months I cooked pumpkin twice and both time it was so so. I am a big foodie, I believe when you cook something it should be so satisfying that you just want to stuff it all down your throat. If its not delicious then I would still eat it, especially if its free. But if its not free and I paid for it I will complain, cuz the need a new chef.

Anyways I am always hard on my cooking. Two weekends back I bought pumpkin. I knew I wasn't going to be able to cook it. I am experimenting with freezing stuff. It's hard when you come from a country where everything is fresh and everyone cooks everyday to eat frozen stuff and fridge stuff. Because your mindset is if its been there for more than five days or so its spoiled. Anyways I chipped up the pumpkin and put in the Freezer. I took it out this weekend. And was like highly suspicious of it. It melted a bit soft than it would have been fresh. But it smelt okay. I didn't know what to think. I don't even know how thawed its suppose to be for me to cook it. Anyways I finally gave up as I grew hungry and threw it on the stove.

And :) it turned out awesome. Success at last. I also made curried cabbage too, that I swear was going to be terrible, because its not even that I miss averaged. I honestly didn't even know the amounts I have to put for vegetables. When I turned it off to go to bed it looked so pale. But to my surprise in the morning it was looking really good. I felt like the Shoemaker wondering if I had some little elves help me out while I was sleeping.

Anyways I am trying my best to get pleasure out of cooking and eating the food I cook its the only way I can keep my sanity because really deep down I think of cooking as a chore and it makes me really hate it. But I have been thinking about when the hubby cook, I tell him what to do and it turns out so soooo goood. And am realizing maybe he cooks with love. Because sometime when I cook with love it tastes really really good too.

So here's to cooking with love always, or don't cook at all.

You do make me happy luv...

2011-11-06T11:01:00.000-05:00

Today has been a day of discovery for me. It started with me and the hubby going for our ice skating lessons. Which I still suck at, but at least am not the only one in the class who sucks lol. Today I really felt like quitting but the hubby is encouraging, and he is really having fun. Though he fell a lot today, his excuse was that his feet hurt. I honestly believe him too. Skates are really uncomfortable. And as I was told by one of my classmates especially cheap ones.

Well one of the things I discovered happened as we are on our way back home. The hubby is driving, and we are in the main street leading to our street and the hubby turned into the wrong street. He does this sometimes, and it always makes me laugh like crazy. Because he always act all innocent and say "Oh no, I meant to turn in this street, I wanted to see that house, or I wanted to see the houses in this street." Or something or the other and it always makes me laugh so much. Today though as am laughing, it was kinda like one of those moments in the movies when everything slows down. Well as am laughing, I realized he is laughing too. I hate this about myself sometime, the way I over think everything and the way I can read people's expression and words and behavior so easily. Especially him, most time I can look at him from across a room and tell what he is feeling. But the discovery I made today was that, well I realized he may have intentionally pretended to do that just to make me laugh. Because he was laughing and he was looking at me laugh more than he was looking at the road.

And I realized oh no he knows I am sad, he is doing this all to make me laugh, to make me happy. And I think back on all his actions all day and all week. And I wanted to cry because I don't know sometimes what I did to deserve him. I felt like saying "You do make me happy luv, you do everything right, most times anyways, its me I am miserable, I think too much and I make myself sad." But I didn't want to ruin the moment.

And the second thing I discovered was when we got home and we were getting out of the car, the neighbor dog was loose. And I am scared of dogs, as elephants are said to be afraid of mouses. Well he got out, and he was whistling to call the dog. And God knows how many times I have begged him to whistle for me and there he is whistling to call the dog . Sigh... And he has a good whistle too.

Where can I buy some time?

2011-11-05T13:28:00.000-04:00

Source: weheartit.com via Jihan on Pinterest

I saw that pic and was thankful that I haven't fallen down the stairs for quite a while now. Last time was at a friends wake house. Anyways I wanted to write about something that happened.

Thursday I came home, I knew the hubby was home for a bit in the afternoon before me. He mentioned he was going to cook chowmien. I didn't expect much. Anyways I came home and saw the kitchen door was locked. I opened it and was left amazed the kitchen was all tidy. He did what I was trying to do all month plus cooked. And he didn't he even complain or anything. So I kinda broke down in tears.

He was probably thinking "I don't get it, I help you, you cry, I don't help you, you cry." But I was feeling so emotional. I try so hard to balance my work life, and home life. But sometimes I feel like am failing miserably. I never have enough time to do all the things I need to get done. I need to cut back some time from somewhere, and the only place am seeing is my sleep. But I can't convince my body that seven hours of sleep is good enough. Actually sometimes I feel like I sleep so much because my dreams are so much more nicer than reality, but its just a thought.

I wake up with good intentions. Today I woke up took out chicken to cook. But the house is freezing cold, my hands are swollen from the cold. We are having problem with the furnace. I have someone scheduled to come out to see it. But might not be until during the week.

I went upstairs to check the thermostat settings hoping that maybe if I look at it long enough it will start to work, I smelled something sweet peeked into the living room and saw my bro had lite a candle and is hovering his hands over it to get the heat. It was so funny, but at least I feel a bit better, so am not the only one freezing my ass off. So I won't feel so bad if I take my time to cook. And get stuff done today. Cuz honestly its freezing cold.

The Elephant Rope

2011-11-05T01:31:00.002-04:00

As a man was passing the elephants, he suddenly stopped, confused by the fact that these huge creatures were being held by only a small rope tied to their front leg. No chains, no cages. It was obvious that the elephants could, at anytime, break away from their bonds but for some reason, they did not.

He saw a trainer nearby and asked why these animals just stood there and made no attempt to get away. “Well,” trainer said, “when they are very young and much smaller we use the same size rope to tie them and, at that age, it’s enough to hold them. As they grow up, they are conditioned to believe they cannot break away. They believe the rope can still hold them, so they never try to break free.”

The man was amazed. These animals could at any time break free from their bonds but because they believed they couldn’t, they were stuck right where they were.

Like the elephants, how many of us go through life hanging onto a belief that we cannot do something, simply because we failed at it once before?

Failure is part of learning; we should never give up the struggle in life.
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~ Author Unknown~

Gut instincts are always right trust them.

2011-11-03T20:39:00.000-04:00

Earlier when I was typing my earlier post I had a panic of what if my meeting was today. I double checked the scheduled sighed, it is tomorrow. But as I feared it was moved to today because we are not that busy.

So I went in head strong, big smile on my face, because that's what I do when I can't cry. But thankfully he was not judging. I told him I don't know what I have accomplished so far and he said I deserve a pat on the back. And I have accomplished a lot by just doing my job and doing it some what good. Lots of room for improvement of course. But I can be proud of what I have accomplished. Yeah me!!!

So I guess I was a bit right on track on the accomplishments, am happy at least that's what he is looking for.

So I didn't cry. But I am feeling down. I honestly don't know what I want to do with my life. Believe it or not everytime I see one of these ads from ING Direct, I feel like crying:

Because why can't life be this simple? If you don't want to live in a cold country don't. If you want to live in a house on the beach do it. If you want to eat chocolate eat chocolate. If you want to fly fly.

But its not that simple. I told my boss I am happy with my current job. I truly am. I don't feel like changing jobs anytime soon. I did insurance advisor for two years, and those where two happy years. I am doing claims advisor for about a year now and its been a happy year.

I feel like am constantly being torn between do I want to focus on having a career? What will happen if I ever get children? I could never send my kids to a baby sitter. A stranger rearing my child. And I quite frankly cannot see myself sitting at home just rearing babies either.

Most days I don't feel like am stuck in a cross road. I just take it one day at time. I wake up take a deep breathe. And go with the flow. But then some days I get asked life threatening questions that makes me wonder how long is the flow going to flow this way and how long before I don't want to flow this way?

And so am just going to close this question for day and sing to myself "In God I trust, In God I trust, Everything happens for a reason. And nothing happens if its not suppose to. But wait does that mean life is predestined? I don't get it."

No please don't ask me that, you will make me cry...

2011-11-03T14:08:00.000-04:00

So tomorrow I have a one on one with my new manager. My previous manager is on mat. leave. And I miss her dearly because she doesn't ask me hard questions.

For tomorrow's meeting am told I need to think about and have an answer for this question: "What have I accomplished so far?" and quite frankly I don't have an answer.

The more I think about it the more sad and depressed I become. I wonder what would he think if I said "I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer"? Or what if I said "Do you have the right to ask me that question?"? Or what if I said "I would like to use my right to remain silent."?

Note my improper use of question marks, because that's all am thinking and seeing is question marks. Alternatively I see myself crying, and this session becoming into a guidance counselling session ending with him referring me to a good psychiatrist.

I mean what does he mean by "What have I accomplished so far?" I show up for work pretty much everyday and mostly on time. I only take sick days when am sick. Even though most days I feel like staying in bed until the world ends. So that's an accomplishment right? Everyday I accomplish something by just fighting my feelings and getting out of bed. And showing up to work without bad breathe, because I brushed my teeth. Doesn't that count for something?

And better yet, everyday not only do I show up for work but "Surprise, surprise" I actually do my job. Yes, I log into my telephone, I take calls all day, I talk to people even when I don't want to and am pleasant all the time even if am having a crappy day. Because thats my job. And I don't complain.

What more does he want? Why does life has to be about accomplishments?

Why can't a gyal live her life happily, working and paying her bills on time and smiling with strangers, and trying to do some good. And try to love her family and her husband as best as she can without being judged about what has she accomplished?

So I don't have a degree in my hand as I wanted to, so I don't have a nice little house by the sea, so I don't have a bunch of adopted little children running around on the my little part of the beach, so what?

Accomplishments my foot, I don't know what I have accomplished and how is ones accomplishments measured anyways? I just think as long as one is happy with oneself that is good enough.

Maybe the record should so I sometimes am a bad ass bi#@&..

2011-11-03T08:24:00.000-04:00

So I guess reading my blog one would think the hubby is always the trouble maker. But after 17 years of living with a some what psychotic father, you do pick up some of his psychotic ways.

I can be pretty crazy about some things. Like for example I cook whenever I can. No one has to beg me to go cook. No one has to nag at me to go cook. And when I cook I don't have to beg the hubby to come eat. So in return I don't feel like I have to tell him to take out the garbage or remind him to take out the garbage.

Failure to do so on his part, starts like this huge forest fire inside of me. Because I get so upset, I know its a simple thing. But every time this happens the only thing that helps me control how upset I feel is I remember how upset my dad use to get about this. And how silly I use to think it is. And I try to think this is silly.

But in the end we always have a fight. I don't believe in excuses. The way I see it is "Dave you don't care about me, because if you did you would know that you need to take out this garbage because it ruins my dam day when I wake up and the garbage is still there."

Sometimes it's like I have this little switch and you never know what your going to do to trip it.

And just like that I go all crazy just like that... But who doesn't go all psycho sometimes in these times right?

Maybe am a sinner, but I hate sharing my food

2011-11-01T20:21:00.001-04:00

Whenever I take out food to eat, I always take out exactly how much I know I will eat that will full my tummy. Anything less and my tummy is not full.

One of the thing I never can get use to is my hubby picking out of my plate. When I take lots of food he never touches my plate. When I take exact he always takes some. GRRRR.

Here are a view extract from our lifes about food.

Me: Luv what you want for breakfast?

Dave: Bread and tea.

Me: Okay do you want eggs?

Dave: Nah, just bread and tea.

Me: Okay well if I make eggs for me will you want?

Dave: Probably....

Me: Luv am going to have dinner you want?

Dave: No am not hungry.

Me: Dinner in hand sitting to eat.

Dave: Hmm let me taste. (three mouthful later my plate is almost empty)

Me: Looking sadly into my plate. "Luv you sure you don't want dinner?"

Dave: No am not hungry.

Me: Great now, I cant even heat up more food because three mouthful is just what I need to be full and I can't average that and I don't want to take and leave it.

Me: Luv how much bread do you want for breakfast?

Dave: five...

But in the end he only eats three.

Me: Luv how much bread do you want for breakfast?

Dave: Two...

But in the end he eats his two, and all of mine and asks me to go bring more.

Me: Luv do you want sausages in your egg?

Dave: No

Moments later after he is picking sausages out of my egg.

Dave: How can you put sausages in yours and not mine?

Me: Not asking and putting sausages in his eggs.

Dave: Moments later, picking out all the sausages and putting it in my plate.

Dave: Yeah I really don't feel like eating sausages.

There really needs to be some ground rules for this kinda thing in a marriage.

Dave tells a scary story...

2011-11-01T12:54:00.001-04:00

So its Halloween time, lots of scary movies on tv, lots of scary stuff showing in advertisements etc.

So we are watching tv together. And something scary flicker by, and he suddenly pauses the tv, looks at me all excited, and says "Did I ever tell you about the time I almost gave my cousin a heart attack?"

Me all excited like looking at him as if he is holding out candy for me. Everyone knows am a sucker for a good scary tale. And I love pulling pranks on people.

Me: "No tell, tell!" Turning to face him and getting all comfy, into the sofa so I can feel safe when the scary part comes.

Dave: "Well when we were small I use to have this really, really, really, ugly scary mask. So ugly so scary, everyone was afraid of it."

Me: "Was it Freddy?"

Dave: "No."

Me: "Was it a werewolf?"

Dave: "No."

Me: "Was it Jason?"

Dave: "No."

Me: "Was it?" thinking "Well gosh who was it?"

Dave: "It was no one, it was just scary"

Me: "Okay then?"

Dave: "So one night my cousin is coming home late, and he is calling for me to open the door, and am fed up of him coming home late everynight and wakening me up. So am not answering him, and he is calling and calling. And am thinking about how he gets scared easily and I should give himm a good scare."

Me: Eyes wide open, hands clenched together, I reached for his hands now. The scary part is coming. Coaxing him on "And and?"

Dave: "I got up and I grabbed the mask. And am like this is it, am going to scare him."

Me: Holding my breath. "And?"

Dave: "I got up to go open the door, and am thinking if I scare him hes going to have a heart attack."

Me: "And? And what did you do?"

Dave: "I opened the door for him and hid the mask."

Me: Confused and thinking oh no I missed something didn't I. Darn, why did my mind wander at this time. "Huh? So when did you scare him?"

Dave: "I didn't I hid the mask and went back to sleep."

Me: "What? So when did you scare him exactly?"

Dave: "I didn't scare him, because I would have given him a heart attack."

Me: "What so you didn't do anything?"

Dave: "No, but I almost gave him a heart attack."

Me: "No you didn't."

Dave: "Yeah, if I had worn the mask he would have had a heart attack."

Me: "Dave that is not a good story at all, you shouldn't share it with other people."

(Thinking to myself should I hit him with this pillow, or should I look for something harder?)

The Cat

2011-10-31T19:41:00.001-04:00

========

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his
church.

He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then
was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk,
etc. The kitty would not come down.

The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided
that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the
tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently,
then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree
would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.

But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through
the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible.

He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen
a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he
prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and
went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store and met one of his
church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and
was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and
everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food
when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her
little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept
refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again,
so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well if God gives you
a cat, I'll let you keep it?"

(Can you see where this is heading?)

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get
on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you
won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes.

A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws
outspread, and landed right in front of her."

Never underestimate the Power of God and what may appear to be
breaking on one end, is answering prayer on another.
From Mountainwings.com

Ok I survived, it wasn't as bad as my first day...

2011-10-30T09:21:00.000-04:00

Okay well I really felt silly for all the hyperventilating I did before my classes. I have to say I was extremely nervous as I set my foot on the ice again. But I had two persons who took my hands as I stepped on the ice, and I found out the girl who is helping me today name is Bianca. She is super nice, extremely patient, and fun. Depending on my budget when this is all over I think I'll get her a Christmas gift. There is three of us girls in the class who is having a hard time. But all the boys and this other girl seem to be doing swell.

In the end today my fear of hurting my butt was more, which helped me overcome my fear of falling. So HURRAY I did not fall at all. I didn't make huge progress. But I learned to slow my pace down. And take baby steps. We practiced sitting down and getting back up on the ice by ourselves. And I got up like three or four times by myself. So that added a boost to my confidence. I keep watching youtube videos and building my confidence. And imaging skating in the winter.

Here is a funny youtube video. This kid is so adoreable...

When your small the ground is so close. I have decided if one day am blessed with kids, they will learn to swim before the can walk. And skate as soon as they can walk.

Omg OMG OMG OMG

2011-10-29T15:20:00.000-04:00

So there is like 45 mins more before my ice skating classes. I have a million butterflies in my stomach. Really. You don;t believe me here:

Source: google.hr via Kristina on Pinterest

I am so nervous for my ice skate lessons. I don't know what am going to do. My butt still hurts from my last fall. I have practiced walking on the rug but there is no fear here.

I am trying my best to brave up and face the music. No one is forcing me to do this... I can do this, I can do this. Hmmm I can't think of nothing to convince myself into doing this... Wish me luck

Confrontation and Denial

2011-10-27T13:26:00.001-04:00

I decided to let he hubby know that I don't like it when he doesn't take my scary dreams seriously.

Me: Luv I had a bad dream last night

Dave: Oh what is about?

Me: Last night was the time to ask me this.

Dave: Yeah but your scary dreams are not scary.

Me: Yes the are.

Dave: No the are not. "Luv, Luv, I had a scary dream."(In his girlyest voice)

Dave: (In his voice) What is it about luv?

Dave: (trying to speak like a girl) "I dream, I dream I cook and the food had no salt."

Me: WHAT? I dont talk like that. And I never dream that.

Dave: Well its pretty close to what you normally dream and get scared about.

Me trying not to laugh... It's not true. I dream scary stuff. Last night I dreamt zombies where all over. And I was trying to run away, it was so kool.

So maybe Zombie dreams don't scare me. But dreams about life and reality and loosing people I love scare the hell out of me.

Dreams oh Dreams what do you mean? If anything at all?

2011-10-26T20:59:00.001-04:00

So one thing that drives me crazy about my husband is that he never takes my feelings seriously. He always dismiss them, makes a joke about it.

Last night I was sleeping, I was dreaming. I can't remember it all, but I was either dead, or dying. It was a rather painful death. My heart felt like it was breaking into a million little pieces. Before I fell asleep I was thinking of a quote I read "You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have body."

I don't know why I think about these things often, but I do. I was thinking about "God", and about if he would really put bad peoples soul into hell for eternity. Because I don't get it if people feel bad feelings, God is the creater of everything. He created bad thoughts and bad feelings. Why didn't he just teach man about God and religion from the beginning of time. Why is there so many religion and so many problem in this world because of religion? What happens when I die? Etc.

So I was thinking about this quote and what it implies. Is it implying that when I die that my soul will be released from this body? Released into what? Will I still be on earth? Will time still exist when I die? Because seems like a long time to wait for the world to end, for me to go in heaven. That is if when you die you have to wait for the world to end and then a judgement day?

Back to my dream, I was dreaming that everyone around me was dying some how the other, everything was crashing down. Suddenly I was gripped by immense pain, it was not so much physical pain as emotional pain,like an immense heart ache. And then suddenly there was nothing. I was in complete darkness. I couldn't feel my hands, nor my feet.

Just me and my thoughts, and I was but I wasn't at the same time. I wished I remembered more about the dream. It was so interesting.

I woke up scared, not because I died, but because people I loved had died. I woke up with a startle and screamed "Dave" and jumped on him. He is use to this by now. He just goes "oh hmm", turns hug me up, says something inaudible. "Dave am scared", sniff sniff I said.

He squeezes me, not sure if he is hugging me or trying to strangle me into sleeping. But I guess I fell asleep back at some point. Because am only remembering the dream now at work.

Thinking of my thoughts before I fell asleep I can see why I dream about death. So I am guessing this dream is not a message, and holds no meaning. Just my subconscious mind trying to help me understand or process what am thinking about visually I guess.

How to Ice Skate : How to Stand Up on Ice

2011-10-25T09:10:00.000-04:00

So I am remembering when I was little and everyone was trying to teach me to learn to ride my bicycle without training wheels. And they tried and tried, but I couldn't learn. I kept looking at the wheels to see whats happening? How is this working? How does this brakes work? Which wheel am I peddling? I wonder how I look? Do I look cool?

I always think too much. I have to understand, how should I feel? Is this the right way? I don't know why that's how I am with things. When I got married, up until then I have never folded a shirt. My dad did his own laundry and I always hang my clothes on hangers. When my hubby moved in. I mean its not a lot to fold a shirt, but I had to know is this the right way?And as usual I refer to youtube and/or google to find out.

The wonderful lady that helped me out last Saturday suggested I practiced learning to stand up at home, on my rug. So am a bit happy that we didn't rip the rug out as yet. Though I hate this rug, it's finally serving me a purpose other than raising my allergies today. I feel like my biggest concern last week was how do I walk on this thing? I don't wear heals normally because am so wobbly in them. How do I stand on skates when my entire feet is not on the ground? So I am trying to find my balance.

I am trying to feel safe, my body needs to know that when I wobble don't freak out and break into karate moves and fall. I felt a lot better today knowing that I can wobble without falling. I can just stabilize myself back. I am on solid ground though and my legs are not moving beneath me. But am looking at these videos and darn I want it so bad to be able to stand so confidently on the ice. Instead of standing on the ice thinking "Ice is skaty, ice is hard. I am going to fall. Don't breathe, don't breathe you might shake and loose your balance. I am going to fall."

My husband thinks am weird. Maybe I am, but at least am not a quitter.

When I was learning to ride the bicycle, it was after I studied this book my mom had on how to repair a bicycle, and how it works. And it was after I watched my cousins ride, and after I accepted how it works, that I was finally able to learn to ride on my own. That and the yard was sloped downwards. So I just went to the front and push off and gravity did most of the peddling and I concentrated on balance. I think I was the last person to learn to ride out of my cousins.

Anyways I feel much more confident for my next class that I can walk in these things. I was surprised to see there are videos on youtube with tips and pointers. I think I will look at them. Maybe Saturday when I am on the ice again and I am too nervous to understand what the instructor is saying I will remember something from the videos.

Source: Uploaded by user via Caitlin on Pinterest

So I have been thinking about this a lot. This is the first time in a long time am doing something for the first time. And I remember every detail of last Saturday. Sometimes its not that our memory is bad. Sometimes its how much of the same old boring stuff can your brain remember? It gets sick of repetitive memories. That's what I think at least.

Hmmm so I am going to right myself a bucket list. Of the things I really want to do. And I am going to do them.... Probably roller blades after I master ice skating.

GRRRR GRRRR GRRRR

2011-10-24T07:11:00.002-04:00

So one of the thing I hate about cooking is that I don't know anything about it. And I always second guess myself. And it makes me susceptible to whatever anyone says, and in particularly my husband who knows nothing too.

Last night I was making shake and bake. I was following the recipe from the box. I told the hubby turn it off in 40 minutes as am going to shower.

Did he listen no. He made me turn it off after one hour. :( Now I have really skinny and crispy baked wings. Instead of soft juicy wings I was imaging...

GRRR if I got a penny for everytime I listened to him when I shouldn't have I would be so rich.

Beautiful Guyana...

2011-10-23T17:56:00.000-04:00

Source: flickr.com via Jihan on Pinterest

It drew blood

2011-10-22T22:30:00.000-04:00

Today was our first day of skating, we missed the first class last week. Neither of us has ever skated before and we both have no idea what to expect. We arrived early for our lessons, and spent the time laughing at the kids that where falling down. Even though we knew its likely that we were going to fall down soon.

It's that time of the month and am feeling very uncomfortable and pain on and off. The hubby tied his skates then he tied mine. As he was doing a little kid (guy) passed by and looked at him and laugh and shook his head. I wanted to say "Hey buddy your time will come soon enough so don't laugh." And then I saw blood, the hubby won't say why there was blood on my lacing I thought he cut his hands on the blade. I was worried about him all through the lessons. Which I later found out that no he cut it couple of days now at work. But when he drew the lacing his hand rubbed on it and bled.

Well I was the first to go on the ice. I fell after reaching 2 feet in. My insides still feel the pain when I remember it. I am always scared of falling. At that moment I remembered something I read from that book Half Broke Horses, about when your riding a horse chances are you will fall sometime or the other. So the secret is you got to learn how to fall as well, not just how to ride.

I think I fell like six times. I sat about 15 to 20 mins on the ice taking a break. The class was 45 minutes long. The hubby didn't fall anytime. I was not exactly surprised by this. He has too much pride and no way with all those other guys and girls there was he going to fall infront of them. I was so happy to see him having a good time. He was pretty worried about me though and kept giving me advice. I felt like punching him and saying "I don't need advice, I just need two more feet to help me keep my balance."

Oh the lady that I had to help me was amazing. It's been a long time since I have met someone with such care in their eyes. She helped me a lot and made me feel safe and confident. I hope I see her again sometime. I have to tell her how wonderful she is.

To be honest I am feeling alot of fear for stepping back on the ice. My stomach churns and my heart races thinking about it. But it's something I have wanted to be able to do since I can remember. In Guyana where I had only five or six tv stations to choose from, I have spent countless hours watching guys and gyals and pairs do figure skating. And I have spent many nights wishing on shooting stairs that I could dance on the ice too. So I am trying to convince myself that whats the worst that can happen? I will fall, I will get back up, I will fall, I will get back up. And if I break something I get time off from work. So win, win.

I love the way I can pep talk myself. Lets just hope my fear doesn't eat it all up by next Saturday.

Just when I thought I knew everything...

2011-10-22T11:10:00.000-04:00

I found out yesterday that 8===D is emoticon for penis. How I found out was nothing dirty, I was just reading a joke from pinterest.com. I realized I have a limited imagination because I do not see a penis when I see 8====D. Do you?

With your hands in mine...

2011-10-22T08:45:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I came home tired and hungry, thinking I would have to get busy in the kitchen because I didn't get any time to cook anything. It's that time of the month and am in a lot of pain.

I was quite surprised to see that the hubby had made something, but what? It smelled wonderful and there is nothing in the fridge for him to cook that he knew how to.

Turns out he made roast eggplant or baigan as I like to call it. He grilled it on the grill. I don't even know why I never think of that. Now the house doesn't smell like smoke and am not choking or freezing because I had to crack a window.

As I sat next to him I realized that he didnot touch his food and was waiting for me, (this is a change I thought).

Well the baigan tasted just as good as it smelled. And I realized hmm maybe the way to a woman's heart can be through her stomach as well. I realized also that all may not be forgotten, but I feel like all is forgiven.

We have come a long way together, lots and lots of comprises, lots and lots of trying to see eye to eye.

Lots of dealing with things we don't want to for each other. They say if you have made it through your third year of marriage then your set for life. We have made it through five years. I wish I could say five wonderful years, but the time was not all wonderful, but it is getting there. I would say at least I know from the bottom of my heart, that tonight, tomorrow and the day after that, I know that even if it's going bad I want to be there with him. Because even on our worst fight ever we still held each other's hands. Even if we one of us was more like trying to strangle the other person's hand.

Whenever we fight, and fight and fight, and we get to a point where "Darn there is nothing left to fight over." And it gets all awkward, and we forget what we were fighting about to begin with we always say lets forget it all and forgive it and all. Clean slate, lets never mention anything from the past again and lets start all over. This time we haven't done that though, I won't say it either, but I feel like it's a new beginning though...

Impressed and maybe a bit motivated...

2011-10-21T17:35:00.002-04:00

I was browsing yahoo's newsfeed, which I don't normally do because its mostly gossip, but this heading caught my eye "Personal trainer becomes obese on purpose to experience what clients go through". I had to read why? I am quite impressed that someone would do that, it shows a lot of dedication not only to his profession but also to how much he cares about people living healthy life. I browsed through his site a bit which you can too @ http://www.fit2fat2fit.com/.

It's quite interesting. As he said its easy to become fat. I remember once my hubby told me am all skin and bone and I could do with a few extra pounds. I bet he wish he could take those words back.

I am not obese, but I am over weight and it does drive me crazy. I have tried many times to change my diet with no success. Mostly because of no time. I wish if when I started gaining weight someone had stopped me in my tracks hold my on my shoulders and shake me and said "JIHAN!!! Wake up your going down the wrong road."

I feel like in my mind, my mind is so ready to throw the blame around when I think about how and why did I gain so much weight. First it starts with the hubby, if he found more time for us to do things together, I wouldn't be stuck at home sleeping or sulking infront of the tv. But where will he find time from? It's not like its laying around and he can just pick it up. And if I had more time etc.

But the sad truth is at the end of the day I have no one else to blame but myself. Hmm my progress so far for this year did not go as planned, on the bright side I did loose 5 pounds and have kept it off for the last 3 months.

Well I am interested in following this guy's journey and see how this all plays out. And I definitely wish him a lot of luck...

Things Dave Say

2011-10-20T20:36:00.002-04:00

We are driving home from work and am thinking about work and where I can move career wise.

He is just driving and grinning. (I work in the insurance industry)

Me suddenly with excitement as I get it, exclaims: LUV!!! I think I can do BI!!!

Luv: Breaking and Entering?

Me: laughing hysterically

Sometime later...

Me: Luv 'Entering' starts with 'E'. I said 'BI'

Luv: Ohhhh yeah....

Me: BI stands for bodily injury.

And we talked about something else....

And I didn't get to explain to him what BI is.

But seriously what is he thinking about if BI makes him think of breaking and entering.

Move On

2011-10-19T19:38:00.002-04:00

============================================================

You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-
analyzing a situation;

Trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've
would've happened...

Or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move on.

~Tupac Shakur~

=============================================================

This quote is easier said than done. My question is what happens when you can't move on?

When thirst for the truth burns soo deep into your soul, like no other thirst or hunger you have ever felt before. What do you do then?

When you know the truth will hurt more, but not knowing the truth still hurts.

When you know that knowing the truth will create more 'what ifs'?

But the 'what ifs' and 'whys' you have now bothers you more?

What do you do? How do you let go and move on?

Forgotten how to be Human.

2011-10-16T15:57:00.000-04:00

Today I ended up staying a bit late at work because I was stuck with a client on the phone. Then my bladder insisted that I go to the washroom before I head out. So I was in a rush to catch the train, as its raining and am also taking the long route home to facilitate the hubby picking up my sister from her night school.

I'll also state for the record, 8 out of 10 times someone approach me either on my way to and from work its for money. Anyways enough of trying to explain or defend my actions.

Tonight, or rather last night as am rushing through the subway a woman approached, she's Muslim I can tell because she is wearing a hijab and a gown. She looks rather poor. So automatically I assumed it's money, I know in Islam its wrong to beg, but I have been approached a lot by Muslims who are beggars, and who expect even more from me because I am Muslim.

Now don't get me wrong, I do give charity often, and whenever I can. But now days I do walk around like a beggar myself, especially since I got robbed I don't carry any cash on me at all.

Anyways the lady approached me and said "Excuse me can I bother you", still walking I responded "Sorry I have no money at all." I continued walking, but I realized the expression on her face was shock, then confusion, then some sadness, and she was walking with me.

Fine I thought to myself. I stopped to listen, "Can you help me please" she said. She had some coins in her hand that she is showing me. She speaks with an accent, it's an accent that I don't like. It's nothing personal. There is an accent, don't know what her background is, but she pronounces her "r"s with a roundness that irks me. She is speaking really fast, and I have no idea what she said so far. But as she showed me the money, I understood her saying "Not enough money." (So it is about money I thought to myself and I honestly had none on me. I saw the ATM Machine at the corner of my eye. I guess I could withdraw some money I thought.)

Anyways I realized the lady is talking still something about phone, if I have a cellphone. It's not the first time either some freaky person has asked me to use my cellphone. I told her no signal in the subway and went with her to the outer corners of the subway for her to make a call. After she was finished, she said her daughter goes to University of Toronto, and forgot her umbrella, so she is waiting for her here with an umbrella for her.

I was now like 20mins late. I really had no time to listen to some strangers story. Then I realized she was lecturing me as well she was saying something like "You shouldn't assume everytime someone talk to you its money its bad". I was thinking to myself "Yeah Yeah lady I know I don't need a lecture."

I realized I was also thinking if this was Guyana, I would probably know this lady, or she would know someone I know maybe and I would want to hear what she has to say. But then if this was Guyana, she would probably have her own cellphone and wouldn't need mine.

I realized that somewhere between being treated or made to feel like you don't belong. Somewhere between the days of waking up and walking to the bus stop in a cold winter land, or a hot summer day and not seeing a soul that I know, smiling and saying good morning to anyone I see, even to the ones I know wont reply. Somewhere along it all I may have forgotten how to be human without even knowing it.

Feeling somewhat sad, somewhat guilty for a crime I am not sure what I did or how I did it, how long have I been doing it. I told her "I really gotto go okay, take care salaam now" and walked away as fast as I could.

I beat myself up about it right through the subway ride home. I do kind things I think, I give quarters to people sometimes for them to use the phone booth. And I, I don't know... I try to give charity to people in Guyana who I know need it. :(

Well the very next day, am at the subway and another lady who doesn't speak English much said to me "Please, me Use phone" same story... about no money for phone booth. It was like Deja vu. Seriously. I dialed the number speechless and let her make her call. I collected my phone back. She went on her way. No stories to be told as she can barely speak English. As soon as she was out of sight I got out my hand sanitizer and sterilized the phone. The lady was kinda gross looking with boils on her feet...

That's it from now on, I will always have 50 cent with me. And my phone will be out of sight.

Really how will any work get done?

2011-10-16T10:55:00.000-04:00

Last night I specifically told the hubby wake me up when he is leaving for work. I have lots of work to do myself at home. This morning he woke up and quietly sneaked out to work. He feels sorry for me. :(

Thankfully I set my alarm, and am up doing some cleaning up.

I broke the mug for our coffee maker. So we bought a new one. I am so excited to go set it up. This time we bought a metal mug so I can't break it :) But am sure if there is a way for it to break I will find it.

I feel like am little terminator. Everything always break when I use it. And I swear I didn't do anything weird to it or anything. This year so far the microwave broke, the cake mixer, the hand mixer all of which I just turned on and it broke. And the coffee maker mug slipped. Thank God the year is coming to an end soon.

I am excited about my birthday coming up. We aren't doing anything special because we are budgeting.
But the hubby promised if possible we will spend all day together and he won't sleep unless I want to sleep.

Anyways as everyone else, I am also addicted to Pinterest.com.
This quote has been on my mind all week long...

Marriage is about Compromises, but I may need to kill that fan...

2011-10-14T20:32:00.001-04:00

365 days of the year, winter, summer, hot or cold, my husband sleeps with the fan on, because its so silent when the fan is off. And you can hear all the floor boards creaking, and all the other night sounds. And he is always feeling hot.Well this means I that I also have to sleep with the fan on.

Most nights it doesn't bother me much. But there are nights when we fight and it bothers me and I spend hours thinking about how to sabatoge the fan, I can imagine myself strangling that fan to death, with it unplugged of course, or just secretly unscrewing the screws and messing with something and screwing it back together. And then the hubby is so lazy to go to the store it might be ages before he buys one, and he will get use to not sleeping with a fan? A girl can dream can't she. Well the fan always blows my limsy in my face, and I am always cold. even in Guyana I slept with two coverlets. Here in Canada though we have really thiCk ones called 'Comforters' and boy are the a comfort. I use it all year long too, winter, summer, hot, or cold.

Well the hubby has had this fan for ages, there is no cover for the front. And it makes a lot of noise. I really want to trade it in for a cooler looking stand up tower fan. But he won't let me.

Occassionally I would ask the hubby to turn the fan off until I fall asleep, and he pretty much always never sleeps until he puts it on.

Last night I was suprised that I only had to ask him once. He turned it off. I slept so sound.

I woke up this morning and the fan was still off. My first words were "I have never slept so sound for the longest while". But I was also surprised to find the fan still off...

So am a bit shocked, and hoping for a repeat tonight. I really hate that damn fan.

I had a dream...

2011-10-12T20:09:00.000-04:00

In my dream, I am feeling happy, I am feeling free. Suddenly, I am interrupted there is something bothering me, I try to shake it off, I realized am holding something. What is it? I feel a weight in my arms. I look down, I am holding a baby, or more like the baby is clinging to me. The baby is crying, I feel like I was holding it too tightly that's why its crying. But as I loosen my arms, the baby is tightening its grip on me.

I look at the baby, it's beautiful, I don't know if its a boy or girl. I realized am speaking to the baby am saying "Baby your not mine, where are your parents baby? I can't take you." The baby is crying louder and louder. I tried to comfort it, nothing I do will make it stop crying. "Whose baby is this?" I say to no one in particular, because no one is around.

I woke up... I was sweating, as if I'd had a nightmare. But there is nothing scary about that dream, except that maybe am terrified of parenthood, of labour of everything.

Of course I will do the normal thing here. I will blame my parents for this. I have never heard any good things from my mom or any of my older aunts about pregnancy except about how there body is damaged, about how much pain the had to go through to make us, about how there health and strength etc. is gone.

I promise myself if I ever have children I will never do this to my child. I will tell them instead "Dear your body was made for this, God created your body and all the other female animals in the world capable to give life.Women have done this for thousands and thousands of years before you and will after you." And whatever nicer things I can think of. (I am still trying to get over the fear my mom has instilled in me from small about all day she was in pain etc.)

The second thing that I worry about is my dad has always treated us like a burden. And lectured on us about how much he has to work etc. because of us. And I spent a greater part of my life feeling like a burden. And thus whenever I think about children, I sometimes only see them as little bundle of burdens to be honest.

I see them as little creatures I have to wake up early and feed, clean diapers, work my ass off to send to school, to college etc. Because my parents kinda always used negative reinforcements on us.

Sometimes when I say these things to my husband, these things that I feel he gets really upset. He wouldn't believe that my parents have said these things. Because of course now the are changed, and different.

I guess I understand, knowing his mom, I can't believe she could ever whip someone like the whipping he said he got some times. Especially when she can't even lift a finger on her grandson.

And then I think of something my best friend in Guyana mom told me. She said "You know when you have your own kids, you don't get to enjoy the little things, your busy working, your worried about bills, etc. Your tired and you find things the do sometimes annoying. But when you get older and you have your grand kids, then you enjoy playing with babies, you have no responsibilities then, and that china plate that fell isn't yours and if it is it's not important to you anymore. So you enjoy playing and giving your grand kids your attention."

And that has gotten me thinking to maybe I understand. But why does it have to be this way?

If I ever have children with God's will. (So sometimes people do say to me Your mind is like Poison You think all these bad things and God will punish you he will not let you have children. I really can't just live and enjoy life, while other people are born into this world everyday into poverty. I can't help but be upset with God, for making life difficult for some people. Well I refuse to believe that my God will hold spite against me for my thoughts. And if it was like that upsetting to him what I think, he would end the famine in Africa, instead of stopping me from having children.)

Yup so since the talk of having children has become a serious one in the marriage, I have been having these baby dreams that makes me wake up sweating. And the past three nights I couldn't even fall asleep.

Things I see on the TTC

2011-10-11T22:58:00.000-04:00

So everyday I see some crazy things on the TTC on my way to and from work. So I decided to take some pics and document the stuff.

I know I talk a lot about forgiveness sometimes, but seriously I cannot find it n my heart to forgive people who go around defiling things on this earth, especially people who stick and throw gum everywhere. Example the picture above. Someone stuck gum on the handrail on the chair in the ttc bus in front of me. Which I only saw after I sat down and was then grossed out for the rest of the day.

Then today on my way home from while in the subway, there was this picture below:

Yup an open condom under the seat infront of me....

That's the reaosn why its always good to walk with hand sanitizer and always sanitize after you exit public transport.

Love & Marriage...

2011-10-10T17:59:00.001-04:00

I guess in every marriage couples go through phases where the fall in and out of love with each other. I never knew it was possible to love someone so much and hate them at the same time. I sat today in the hubby arms, we are watching a movie together. He made me breakfast today, (how romantic NOT), I had to insist that he make the breakfast. It was a good breakfast. I think he believes all is forgiven and forgotten now that he made me breakfast.

But oh if he only knew how contrary it is. It's funny how I can sit so calmly next to him, yet inside I feel like screaming. I realized I don't know what am upset about anymore. It's not one little thing, it's a lot of little things. Sometimes "Love is blind" but then sometimes its like a little window is opened and you get to peep through and for a moment you see all that persons fault and you wonder "WOW" was that there all this time?

Well as am looking through that window I thought about how contentful (if there is such a word) he looked sitting next to me. And that's just it isn't it? I don't know how to be content, I don't know if I can ever be content or if I have ever been content? I always want something different, I want to do something different all the time, everyday and every night. Anyways as am looking at all his faults. I can't help but wonder what does he see when he looks at me?

Why does he never complain? It drives me crazy. I feel like pelting him with something but I can imagine it bouncing right off. And he would just look at me with his calm eyes and say "It's okay, I love you".

But it's not okay, I mentioned to him once that it drives me crazy that he doesn't complain about anything and he said "If I do that what will you do?"

Does he see through me too? Does he see all my faults? I don't know he never says anything. But maybe that is love, maybe love is seeing all the faults in a person but loving them anyways. Loving them and not trying to change them but living your life so that you can bring out the best in each other. Not trying to change them, but helping them to see how doing things and saying things differently can make them better?

I don't know I guess am realizing that you can't expect people to change unless you change first. You can't expect to be forgiven if your not willing to forgive as well...

To Fish or Not to Fish

2011-10-09T06:10:00.000-04:00

After yesterday's argument, this morning I happen to be up as they were getting ready to leave for fishing.
Dave: "Are you coming?"
Me: (Well several responses went through my head such as "Go @$#$ yourself", "Screw You", along with some others even worst than those. But none of them seemed bad enough to relay what I was feeling.)

And so I decided to remain silent. And silently as well the got ready and left for their trip.

And am happy to say I have the tv all to myself, as well as the laptop, the stereo system. It's gonna be an awesome day....

Another day Another fight...

2011-10-09T00:03:00.000-04:00

Today my brother mentioned to me that he is going fishing with Dave. Which was news to me. He didn't tell me anything about it.

At that point I wasn't upset, or jealous or anything. I was just thinking oh maybe he is going with the guys from his work group or something. My thoughts were really blank.

Anyways later that day hubby came home and the were talking about getting fishing rods ready etc.

And no one is telling me anything. So I said "Dave who is going fishing?" and he replied "Me and Niaaz."

"Am I invited?" I asked. "Nope it's a boys only fishing trip" he replied. Well I have no idea what my face looked like. I can imagine some sadness probably flashed over my face. Anyways I really hate when people say "Do you know what your face look like?" Because how could anyone really know this unless there is a mirror infront of them.

Anyways later on that day, Dave is commenting he might have to work and he is so sorry he can't take my bro fishing. But then he said "You know what, I will take him no matter what. Because he has been after me all summer to take him and I haven't."

Well I'll have you know my brother had his chance to go fishing with us when we went in June, but he choose not to. And I actually love going fishing. And I don't get an opportunity to go unless the hubby takes me.

So I was not only feeling sad early when he told me. But I was also reflecting on how much I hate this place sometimes and wish I was in Guyana. Because I have no damn friends. And I pretty much rely on the hubby to take me out. And people often say oh learn to drive. But I can't see how this solves anything since I hate going out alone.

So back to when the hubby made this comment. I blurted out "It's good to know my brother has more influence on you than I do." Because really it's not this summer, it's not last summer, it's every summer. And it feel's like this argument is stuck on repeat. Over and over again. I always feel like we don't go out enough or do things together. And he never talk's about how he feels. And whenever I make plans and do things on my own he says am ignoring him. And then I stop doing things and start waiting for him again...

Anyways my comment flipped his switch. He arguing that I always behave like we don't do nothing together whenever he wants to do something. Which may be true.

Which brings me to the point that I hate that men don't talk more. He could have just tell me from inception "I want to have some alone time." I would have understand. (Maybe)

But the entire argument has left me feeling blue, and depressed as I am once again realizing how much of his time I do take up. And how much I have no life here. I really need to find a hobby and give him some space.
:(

When do I drive?

2011-10-08T16:02:00.000-04:00

Let's see, I don't drive when it rains, or when it snows, I don't drive when the sun is out too hot or when it's too bright unless I have my shades. I don't drive when there is lots of water, ice or snow on the road. I don't drive if its cold.

I don't drive if am hungry, thirsty, tired, or sleepy. I don't drive if am upset or grumpy.

Hmmm so when do I drive? Good question. Well mostly when its absolutely necessary which is if Dave is not home. Or Dave is really tired and its somewhere close by or he is really fed up with me and forces me to drive. Most times I try the "What kind of love is this?" routine on him and beg and plead and finally he normally gives in take me where every because it's easier than listening to me begging him.

But I absolutely hate driving. I rather be in the passenger seat where I am free to do other things like watch the scenery or watch people on the road doing crazy stuff, or even play with my hands. Anything than having to pay attention to road and the lights and jay walkers...

Actually I love going for long drives, but only if there is someone else driving. But since gas price has gone up we haven't really been for a long drive for a long time. Especially since our music system for the car sucks.

Do you like to drive?

I hate when some things makes sense too late...

2011-10-07T23:39:00.001-04:00

So a few months ago hubby's aunt gave me some nice green mangoes she brought back from Guyana. I didn't bring any when I came so I accepted them from her. The are great for throwing in fish curry.

Well she specifically told me to peel it and chip it up before I put it in the freezer. I remember specifically thinking "Wow do I really need instructions on freezing mangoes?" Anyways being lazy I threw it in freezer whole and unpeeled like that.

Today am cooking fish curry, I take out the mango and take the knife put it on the cutting board. Then it dawned on me.... "OH SHIT, frozen mangoes are hard, that means its harder to cut. Now I see why she was insisting that I peel it and cut it up and put it in the fridge.

Anyways I heated up some water and dunked the mango and finally was able to peel and cut it up for the curry which turned out okay.

Things Dave Say

2011-10-07T23:03:00.000-04:00

Me shouting from the kitchen: Dave what you watching?
Dave: The Guide
Me: Okay am coming to watch too...
Came in the living room to sit and watch... it was actually the TV Guide.
Me: Oh I thought your watching a movie or something....
Dave: Oh no am just watching The Guide to see what's showing.

I swear he watches more guide than actual tv.

What would you say?

2011-10-06T13:04:00.001-04:00

Today's call:

Me: Hi Thank you for calling, bla bla bla, You've reach Jihan, how can I help you?
Client:: Whose that speaking?
Me: Jihan
Client: Okay thank you I will call back.
Me: um okay... (I guess he didn't like my voice, or name, or maybe looking for someone else?)

The Stove...

2011-10-06T00:06:00.000-04:00

Wow after almost a year and a half or more I noticed tonight that my stove has a simmer option and a power boost option for optimom heat option. Now I am thinking I should have read that manual, wonder what other little secrets are on this stove that I haven't seen? Hmmm wonder where I put that manual?

How to be happy when the entire world is against you?

2011-10-04T18:03:00.001-04:00

I am happy to say am not a coffee person. And I laugh at people who are addicted to coffee, my husband included. This morning, I skipped breakfast at home (a usual routine, but most times I grab an egg sandwich or soup or something at some fast food place), I really felt like having a bagel and of course in Tim Hortons there is all kinds of pictures up with delicious looking stuff. So I went for a Cafe Mocha and hmmm the have a new bagel its called cinnamon something I couldn't really read what the sign said while I was in line, and when I got close enough to be able to read it, it was my turn to order... And those glares I was getting from everyone in line waiting for there morning coffee was frightening, everyone looked like vipers to me waiting for blood or something, some of them looked like the were about ready to growl or snap at the person next to them, or me for wasting time and turning back to glance at them. So I hurried up and ordered and cleared the way.

Anyways from the moment I finished my last drop of of the Cafe Mocha, I realized mine was more coffee than chocolate, because my heart started beating really fast. And my sholders began to feel tense. (This always happens when I drink strong coffee, I have to research this online as to why it happens) An image from that movie Shutter, flashed into my mind, where the guy had the girl ghost sitting on his sholders. And I wonder for a moment do I have some ghost sitting on my back hanging on to me. As I ponder on this I realize that metophorically speaking this is true. I have a lot of ghosts from my past haunting me. Hanging over my sholders with a weight so heavy I have been dragging my foot when am walking these past days.

There is the outstanding issue with me and my sister. I can't ever remember us being close. We are five years apart. And when we were growing up she was always a little tattle tale, which annoyed me to hell. And so I avoided her when am up to no good. And then both of us are very dominant so we could never play games together because both of our policies are "My way or the High Way". So growing up I pretty much mastered the game solaitare. And then my brother came along, and he basically tagged along with whichever one of us was free.

And though he and me fight all the time. I always feel like a couple of days after a fight with my brother, its all forgiven and forgotten. And we move on, and we come up with new fights.

But for my sister I always feel like everytime we have a fight it's about issues from the beginning of time. The most recent fight was something maybe its my fault. I really wanted to go learn ice skate this winter and I really wanted to go with her and my hubby. But because of my PCOS and the way I have been feeling down over everything I really feel its necessary to tell everyone that I do not want to hear about there stress. Or deal with any stress.

So I told my sis "If shes going to go skating with me she gotto promise not to be depressing", which maybe I said it the wrong way. I didn't think she would take it so seriously. I know she gets really super upset when we are going anywhere and we are late. And am always late.

And really I don't feel like listening to anyone bitch about me being sloppy or late, when at the end of the day am just tired. So maybe its for the best that she doesn't want to go.

Though now that she doesn't want to go I can't help but feeling down and more depressed, because I really wanted to do this with her. Anyways I will try my best to not let this bother me... at the end of the day its not my loss... And I will have fun...

What would you say?

2011-10-04T14:42:00.000-04:00

So almost everyday I get asked questions by clients that leaves me baffled so I have decided to note them down.

Today's question:

Me: Thank you for calling, bla bla bla, how can I help you?
Client: Hi, does your company have a telephone number? I have been trying to call you guys for a month now...

Dream Bathroom

2011-09-30T20:18:00.001-04:00

So I was surfing when I came across this picture, and my heart melted.... I have always been a huge fan of submerged designs. From submerged living rooms, to submerged beds. Like the one below from dollhouse:

Anyways all I can do is dream... I know my husband will never be able to build a submerged bathroom, as its too much work for drilling the solid concrete foundation. Maybe in the future if I win the lotto (Which is my hubby's favourite word, though neither of us plays) I will be able to design my and build my dream house... Which will have a bathroom just like that... The bed not so sure on, because it kinda reminds me of a coffin...

Right to Vote...

2011-09-30T19:59:00.001-04:00

On the other side of the world Saudi Women recently were granted the right to vote in the 2015 election. This is news to me that there are women in countries who cannot vote, this just shows how naive I am when it comes to world matter. And how small my world is. I feel like most of the time my knowledge of the world is on a need to know basis. If I don't need to know, most times then I don't want to know.

Apparently they Saudi women can vote, but there right to drive is not approved as yet so there is speculation on how many will be able to get to the voting polls to vote.

Here I am in Canada, couple of days ago my friend asked me if I am going to vote. I didn't even know there is an election going on. Now that would explain all those junk mail I have been getting recently with weird looking people pics. And why when am showering my music on the radio keeps getting interrupted about some McGuinty person...

Vote, no I will not be exercising my right to vote this time. Well just because I do not know anything about who is running. And I do not want to vote for the wrong person, because my vote could be that one that makes the difference.

But even though I am not voting, I am proudly encouraging all my coworkers and friends to exercise their right.

BELL FIBE TV

2011-09-30T16:56:00.002-04:00

I thrive for change, I love technology and from the moment I heard about the fibe tv, I have been calling them everyday to find out when the will be offering it to my area. Sometime back in August the finally started offering it to the section of Toronto that I am in. I immediately made the switch from satellite to the fibe tv.

The transaction did not go over smoothly as usual there system is always messed up. And my bill is still not sorted. But I was very happy very happy with the quality of the tv. Even regular tv stations that are not hd are better quality to watch.

Pretty much everyone knows what a big tv junkie I am. And with the fibe tv, I can now record up to four programs at a time and watch the same recording from any tv in the house. I know this technology has been a while now in the US. But finally its crawled its way here to Canada.

There are a few draw backs though, enough to make some people especially like the hubby not want to make the switch. As even though the search option on the fibe tv is kinda like Netflix, you can search by actors, title, etc. You cannot search by theme like Movies, Documentaries, etc. And also you cannot put stuff to record from online. Both features I miss, and now am spending alot of time searching tv guides online for whats showing, and then having to write it down and manually search for it and choose it to record on the pvr.

But all in all I am stunned by the amazing quality, maybe having a big screen hd tv helps as well...

Sometimes he listens...

2011-09-29T17:54:00.001-04:00

So I have to say that sometimes the hubby does listen to what I say.
I notice whenever he does something wrong, which is like pretty much every half an hour when he is home. If I tell him don't do that, or how to do it or what to do, he actually does follow whatever I say.

And I will quote from the movie "Love comes softly", which is an awesome movie, you have to see it if you haven't as yet. Well the quote is "How do you live to be so old without knowing how to do anything?"

I just don't understand it. For example Tuesday night he was suppose to clean some chicken meat for me to cook it when I got home. I came home and went in to the kitchen, the dishes are done, the meat is cleaned. But he left it sitting there for God knows how long long opened, no cover, no towel over it, nothing.

I am sorry but I don't what whoever or whatever observer or reader may feel. My first reaction is:

Anyways I took some breathers, practiced my counting skills. And approached, him... "Luv?" (So am really trying my best to be nice, because he did do a lot of work. And I do not want to seem unappreciative.)

"Luv do you do these things to irritate me or drive me insane? Or do you just not know?"
Him: (Looking all innocent, and I can tell he is trying to remember something, hes probably retracing his steps for the day) No luv, I would never do that! But what is it that I do?
Me: "Luv you have to cover food, you can't leave it open like that, flies will land on it and lay eggs on it"
Him: "How am I suppose to know? Don't worry luv, the fire will kill it"

Me: (Wondering to myself now trying to remember, did I show him how to wash meat or did he already know that, because if this is his psychology can I trust him to wash the meat?)

Anyways, am trying my best to not bitch about everything. And am trying my best to be patient and understand that he is learning and he has never done these things before... But sometimes I wonder what ever happen to good ole common sense?

Gamarjobat - Amazing Comedy Duo

2011-09-28T20:02:00.000-04:00

My thoughts on Religious Discrimination...

2011-09-27T20:00:00.000-04:00

I grew up in a mostly East Indian Community in Guyana, and when it comes to religion the community is very diverse. My parents are muslim, but my father siblings some are Christian and some are Muslim. My mom most of her siblings are muslims, but one is an Atheist. My husbands a muslim, but his dad is a Hindu, and his mom is a Muslim, and his siblings are muslim.

I have attended lots of functions at Mandirs (Hindu's church), my best friend is a hindu thats why. And I also have lots of Christian friends so I have also been to Church functions etc.

I would say in Guyana, there is discrimination, its mostly racial discrimination. And its mostly all because of politics. But I have never experienced any sort of Religious Discrimination in Guyana.

When I was like 8 or 9 years old I decided to wear the Hijab. At that age I was too young to now the seriousness or the way it would really impact my life. All I knew was that, I wanted to dress modestly. And also there was a level of respect in my society for someone who dresses with a Hijab. And I wanted to be respectable and modest.

Sometimes people approach me and ask me the weirdest questions like "Do you have to wear the hijab when you shower?" or "Do you wear it to sleep as well?". A few times some Lebanese women have even approached me and told me "Take it off, the oppression is over." I have just seen a few documentaries about life in those countries so I can just imagine the freedom the most feel from leaving there and coming to a country like Canada. But to be honest personally for me, I forget sometimes that am quite noticeable, especially when am in a room of people am the only one wearing a hijab.

Well I am happy to say that I have traveled a lot and have never felt any sort of discrimination from people in authoritive positions, even though I have heard lots of stories from muslims, or even people who are not muslims. Most cases I have heard are about people traveling to the US. Two years ago when I was traveling to the US., I found out at the immigration station that my passport is expired, but I was still allowed to enter the country hassle free for a couple of days.

So from all my dealings so far, I have only been a victim of discrimination twice so far in my life. Hopefully that will be all there is. But from all my experience so far, the two guys who I have dealt with were both drunk, so I can't say if it was them speaking or the alcohol.

The first time I was standing in line at the Tim Hortons at work, a guy who looked homeless was in the line ahead of me counting his change, and the cashier called him and he said "I am not ready yet". The cashier from the other line called as well, and so I walked around him other cashier. Which I don't feel was rude or cutting in line since the cashier directly infront of him was free.

Anyways so I proceeded to buy my coffee, only to realize the guy was swearing and talking a bunch of stuff that are directed to a a Muslim, as the were comments about our prophet and about Bin Ladin, and he was talking stuff about I should go back to where I came from.

So if you were to ask me how I felt at that time? I would say definitely scared. Because I was like is this how am going to die? Am I going to get stabbed or something while buying my coffee and appear on "1000 ways to die" being labeled as "Dead by Coffee Line Cutter?" I don't know I can never think up things as good as the do.

And the second time, I just was on my way to work and just walked into the subway and as usual I like to walk and go stand close to the camera. Well that day it kinda paid off cuz I stood next to a guy maybe 6 feet away from him and he started talking stuff much like what the previous guy at the Tim Hortons had said.
And once again I was scared, I was reading a book when he started and at first I was looking around to see who he was talking to only to realize that it's me. I tried to discreetly put more distance between us, but was happy to see a guy in the subway come and silently stand between us quite protectively somewhat. Or at least that's how it seemed to me.

So I honestly don't play people if the feel some sort of fear if the see someone in a hijab or a guy with a beard, hell if I see a guy with beard grab his bags and run especially if am at an airport, I will definitely follow suit, I do not wish to die, and am also scared of terrorists. Anyways based on my experience I can only conclude that its people who are uneducated or not in a sound mind that judge people like that... And see everyone as a terrorist or thief etc.

Oh on a side note I wanted to tell the response I got from two different people after I told what happened.
So the first person I told was my colleague at work. Because I just can't imagine calling my husband and having this conversation with him. Anyways my colleague was born in Canada, but his parents are Asian, (maybe Korean, omg I am just realizing how bad this is, all I know is he is yellow skin, so hes Asian :).

Anyways I am like hey listen what happened to me today, and I told him. And he's like "You know what you should do, you should just walk around with a fake bomb under your shirt, so if anyone tells you anything, you just rip it open and go all crazy on them and be like "YOU WANT ME TO BLOW YOU UP?" And that got us both into laughing, and am like "Yeah thanks, I will do that, and you can come bail me out of jail after that.

And then that night I told my husband who was like "You should have cuffed him or call the cops or something." Which is not very soothing, but I don't know what I expected him to say anyways...

Weight Loss Update

2011-09-27T00:19:00.000-04:00

I lost 5 pounds over my vacation in Guyana, because I was walking so much all over and doing so much things. I am ashamed to say I found it back, or it found me back. :(

I took a long break from the gym, but I am more motivated now than ever to wake up early and go to the gym. I haven't done so since I came back from vacation. All August and September so far I set my alarm at 8am before I go to bed, but I can hear my subconscious voice laughing at me and saying "Muahahaa Good luck" or maybe that was the devil am not sure.

I actually got up at 7:50am this morning. First thing I did was squeezed my legs and hop over to the tv and blast some music, then I ran to the bathroom. (I don't get why every morning I wake up nature calls)

Anyways I would love to wake up early tomorrow and do some exercise, but I have to do a chore for the hubby. That am already fretting about in my mind. Because A. I know for sure I have to get up early tomorrow and B. It means if I have to do anything for myself tomorrow I have to get up even earlier.

I can't help but wonder if this is how he feels when I ask him to do a chore for me. Am guessing "YES" because he always does complain and I do have to beg him and push him to do things.

Anyways so am pausing my exercise regimen again for tomorrow. Hopefully Wednesday will be a better day...

Doing things we don't want to do...

2011-09-25T21:42:00.002-04:00

hmmm since certain people like to keep certain thing privately... this picture will serve as a memory for me.

People Falling Down Stairs

2011-09-25T13:30:00.000-04:00

LIGHTS "Toes" Lyrics

2011-09-25T12:45:00.000-04:00

Second Tax Class Review:

2011-09-24T22:55:00.000-04:00

I have to say I think my class would have gone a lot better if I had reviewed chapters 1 to 5 or atleast chapter 1 to 3 ahead of class as was suggested by the teacher. Though I think over all it was not that bad, I did leave class feeling like I have learnt a lot that I didn't know before.

The class started off with the revision of chapter 1, which bored me to death considering we already did most of chapter one last month. I think maybe this is the reason I did not review as I was suppose to really, as I do get bored when I know stuff already.

Then there is a guy in class that half of the class finds highly annoying, he keeps asking lots of personal questions. And reconfirming stuff. I try to think of it as maybe practical knowledge or something along those lines, but I can't help but get bored and wonder off in class.

Normally in a class, or even in meetings at work I tend to ask a lot of questions, but am surprised I am questionless in this class, though almost all the materials I have read is new to me I still find that I have no questions to ask. I don't know if this is because I have understood everything so far, or because am hopelessly clueless or is it because I have no experience or background knowledge?

We will see how this go next class. At least I know I will be reviewing back chapters 1 to 5 for sure for this next class as we have a test in our next class.

Too much love can be a bad thing...

2011-09-22T19:19:00.001-04:00

I really want to talk about how I feel about my marriage. Sept 8th was the end of five years of marriage. And I can't say that it has always been great. I try to focus on the good things because I when I get older and look back I only want to remember the good times.

But there is something that I have noticed. At first I thought it was just my husband. Because I always view myself as the fun one or the one who wants to do things in our marriage. But lately I have been wondering a lot over this.

I love my husband so much that sometimes I say it hurts. Mondays to Fridays we only spend 15 hrs together, about 1 hr everyday is spent in the car driving home after he picks me from the subway, which determines how we spend the remaining two hrs before we hit the bed, sometimes we fight in the car over some nonsense from the beginning and sometimes we fight after we get home. (Maybe when we have children my view will change but I do feel a good fight is healthy for a relationship.) The remaining two hours is normally spent eating, showering, watching tv and getting ready for bed. Weekends can be a blurr, depending on if we have to do grocery, I have classes, he has to work etc.

So I find that I do tend to stop him from going to play his cricket or from doing things he likes to do just because I want to spend that time with him instead.

I love being in his company, we can spend all Sunday just sitting watching tv together, me reading a book and him watching his nascar, and I would be happy. But sometimes I just feel like this is too much of nothing. I want to do something, I want to say to him "Go find something to do outside of here, let me have some alone time, or let me go."

I asked him "So what do you do for fun lately?"
Him: "Nothing, you know sleep, tv, sleep"
Me: "Hmmm this is kinda what I have been doing too."

Hmmmm so this is what I have noticed I have lost my fun side and I think I caused him to loose his too...

How I feel about tax...

2011-09-22T18:20:00.002-04:00

Confusion, lots and lots of confusion, some anger, some resentment, some pain even, especially when its April 28th and I still haven't filed it.

In Guyana I don't think I worked long enough to pay tax. And then when I came here to Canada and got my first pay cheque I was in a lot of shock.

But after you work in the Insurance industry and you realize the things your money goes towards. It becomes easy to not feel so sad about paying taxes. Especially since I do appreciate some of the services like the library, free health etc...

But I still do hate paying for someone to file my taxes for me. I can't do it myself because I am clueless when it comes to it. And I know lots of people who do it themselves but I need to understand it all before I can do it.

Last year I wanted to do it, but did not get the time, this year I signed up for the Tax School, offered by hrblock.

Below is the course outline extracted from there website.

Taxes are confusing and can be overwhelming. But with H&R Block's Tax Training School, you gain the knowledge you need to be in control.

Learn how to:

· Do your own tax return with confidence

· Help others prepare their tax returns

· Minimize your tax liability

· Find answers to any tax questions

· Stay up-to-date on new tax changes

· Plan tax strategies that save you money

· Recognize which deductions and credits apply to you

After successful completion of the course, you will receive a Certificate of Accomplishment in recognition of your hard work. Materials used throughout the course also serve as valuable reference tools long after the course is over.

The H&R Block Tax Training School covers the following topics:

Income

· Old Age Security benefits

· Canada Pension Plan benefits

· Superannuation benefits

· Retirement benefits

· Universal Child Care benefits

· Employment insurance benefits

· Alimony and support

Deductions

· Registered Pension Plan contributions

· RRSP contributions

· Pension income splitting

· Union and professional dues

· Child care expenses

· Disability supports

· Support payments

· Investment expenses

· Moving expenses

· Security options deduction

Credits

· Personal tax credits for self and dependants

· Pension income amount

· Caregiver amount

· Disability amount

· Amounts transferred from spouse or common-law partner

· Tuition and education amounts

· Public transit pass amount

· Home buyers' amount

· Adoption expenses

· Children's fitness amount

· Charitable donations

· Medical expenses

· Provincial credits

Taxes and Benefits

· Federal taxes

· Provincial income

· GST/HST credits

· Canada Child Tax Benefit

· Working Income Tax Benefit

I already had my first class on the 17th of September, but to be honest I went in the class being skeptical and negative because I just am tired of trying to do courses and getting bilingual people who I can't understand what they are saying. And my teacher turns out to be bilingual, but she is better at English than most, and she was making fun of bilingual people who she don't understand there English. Anyways the first day was mostly registration. This Saturday's class is suppose to be a full day from 9am to 4pm I am suppose to reach chapter 1 to 6 for class which am on right now. The class is pretty big 20 students in it including myself and am hoping the classes run smoothly and I don't get confused by some crazy question someone asks.

Will do a post on Saturday night hopefully to note what I think about that class.

Fight Fight Fight!!!

2011-09-21T09:46:00.001-04:00

So it was Dave's turn to do the dishes. One would say its easier for me to just do the dishes, because the nagging and arguing that follows when he has to do the dishes is not worth it. But I am strong and I will keep fighting until I cant talk no more.

Well its been two days now since the dishes were sitting there and the kept piling up. And it bothers me like crazy, but NO I refuse to cave and do it myself. Last night he finally decided to go and do it after I nagged at him a bit. But I was already worked up and upset. And then I went to the washroom and of course he twinkled all over.

I was washing my hands and looking in the mirror and I swear my eyes looked like that cats pic, minus the blue. I was saying to myself "Relax Jihan, relax, relax relax relax, chill, this doesn't bother you, think about all the times it has happened before." So it was probably that last thought that tipped me over. I burst out of the washroom and into the kitchen "BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA the next time you need to sit on the toilet better check it because you don't want to know what will be sprinkled all over the seat."

Dave: I was in a hurry to come pick you up.

Me: (Grrr now he is doing that using me as an excuse for his sloppiness) There is no excuse Dave.

Dave: You know if complaining could get you to be president you would be ruler of the world.

Me: What, what is that suppose to mean? Telling you something wrong your doing is complaining? This is not complaining.

Dave: Call it what you want I know what this is.

Me: Whatever Dave, just don't talk to me am done talking.

Dave: Thank God, me too.

Me: YOU DONT NEED TO HAVE THE PIPE RUNNING WHEN YOUR DOING THE DISHES!!!

Dave: Do you know how to do it better?

Me: Yes

Dave: Well maybe you should be doing it.

Me: grrrrrr

Dave: I am going to start doing this, complaining about everything.

Me: What will you complain about?

Dave: You will know when I start complaining.

Me: Well when are you going to start?

Dave: You will just know when I start that too.

Me: (this is pointless)

Later on he got interrupted from doing the dishes because his mom called. And he handed me a plate which I rinsed. And left the kitchen as well. I talked to his mom and complained to her that he is not helping me of course her response is "You cant keep looking at who is doing what". Which kinda got me upset, because I believe in equality and no one seems to care that hey I work too.

Anyways when he was done on the phone it went on.

Dave: "Why didn't you finish rinsing the rest of the dishes?"

Me: "No am not doing the dishes its your turn"

Dave: Why do you have to complain about everything?

Me: Your the one who is trying to get out of washing the dishes.

ME: Dave what exactly do you want to do in this relationship?
DAVE: Nothing, how much times must we have this conversation?

Me: Well you are in the wrong relationship.

And he is just smiling at how upset I am... Grrr am more upset now.

The Ultimate Man Bed

2011-09-20T18:01:00.000-04:00

Leather Bed with 32" Flatscreen TV

I was just surfing over at teambuy.ca when I saw the had a deal on the above bed. I quickly sent the link over to my friend because I find it interesting and wanted her opinion on it. Her response was "The Ultimate Man Bed".

Which may very well be true. Though what's missing is a pull out tray at the side for beverages and plate. Or an ice bucket pull out drawer thingy for drinks maybe. And a pull out thingy that will hold the potatoe chips bag or pop corn bag...

hmmm if only I had $1375.00 because this bed is actually beginning to feel appealing to me. Must be the hormone imbalance thing(PCOS) that I got. Oh yeah fine prints!!! Now I saw it the bed doesn't come with a mattress, it comes with the tv, but not the mattress... hmm am wondering if that tv comes with a remote?

A Moment of Inspiration...

2011-09-18T23:59:00.000-04:00

Am standing in the kitchen, washing the balanja (eggplants) I just chipped up, the chicken is in the cahari being somewhat steamed, somewhat boiling in the spices and seasoning I fried it up in. I hate washing balanja its so time consuming. That was my thoughts at that time, I hate cooking too is what I was thinking.

Hubby is in bed sleeping and am wishing I could be sleeping too. But my conscious nagging at me "You feel sorry for that bai, you know he works harder than you do during the week. And when last he even been home on a Sunday? And when he comes home during the week and cook who helps him? And when does he ever complain about how much he does?" I know, I know, I know the whole schmeal. But maybe he ain't complain about how much he do because he ain't really doing all that much?

Well I was cooking fry baigan (another word for eggplants) with chicken. And I don't like to see no seeds in it when I cook it. Since everyone gone I still adjusting to cooking lil bit for just the two of us. So I only bought two balanja at the store. But when I washing it and peeling it is when I realize how big it is.

Like this one above. (Btw click on this link to read about all the types of eggplants out there)

By the time I finish peeling it and chipping it I got whats equivalent to four eggplants that I normally buy for 5 people. And its hard for me to wash it. So I fretting and fretting trying to squeeze the seeds out with my lil hands. When I got to thinking about that book I read School of Essential Ingredients and am remembering how the chef in the book view cooking as a pleasure. And am remembering I promised myself I will take cooking up as a hobby so I can like it. And as am squeezing, I think of all those times am sitting at my desk at work wishing I had brought my stress ball to work because my hands feel tired from typing all day. And I focus my energy on squeezing and actually feeling the eggplant as the seed squeezes out and runs through my finger.
And am thinking to myself. This doesn't have to be a chore.I can do this, I can enjoy doing this.

And in no time I was done, I was done cooking, just the dishes needed to be done.Hmmm can I enjoy doing the dishes too? Foreign noises distracting my thoughts. Dave: "Why didn't you wake me up to see the race?" (Maybe but we will never know?) Me: "Luv your up, okay you can do the dishes I done cook."

In heaven this is what my library will be like

2011-09-18T21:00:00.000-04:00

My Dream Library